It is a rainy Thursday morning. Yesterday was a very hot spring day and some patchy clouds rolled in and the morning is cleansing away the pollen. The rain seems to transition between a light but constant sprinkle building into a light shower then back again.
I just dropped off my daughter at school. I did not sleep quite enough last night. I have time this morning to get another hour of sleep if I really need it. I might do that as my day will be more productive if my energy level is at max. Sometimes sleep helps me to get to max and sometimes it does just the opposite.
I stopped by the little park by the South Fork River that I found a few days ago. I had known of it before I found it, but feel as if I found it for the first time when I learned it was a good place to write.
Today, it is even better as the tables are covered by a pavilion. I could explore and walk or hike and find a new place, but probably not one that will keep me and my gear dry.
I have a bottle of water and a bag of tropical trail mix. That seems to mean that it has a nut or two in it, a couple pounds of raisins and similarly shaped non descript berries, some dried papaya and banana flakes and pineapple. Sugar, it has lots of fruity sugar.
The pavilion roof is made of tin and at times as the showers increase the noise of birds die down and the rain on tin volume goes up. At the moment, the birds are coming more alive. There are geese grazing on the grass in the distance, and a male gander flapping his wings at me behind me to warn me away from his recently hatched goslings.
It is daylight, but I have no idea where the sun might be due to the clouds. The waters of the South Fork look like glass despite the sprinkling rain.
I have been waging a war on inner anxiety the last few days and weeks too for that matter.
There are two things that have been keeping me preoccupied the last few weeks. First, my cash flow is about as still and glassy as the waters of the South Fork. I have been working and billing hours away, but I have a number of clients who are a little behind on their payments. This is unusual. It happens with a client here or there sometimes, but this seems to be with many of them. The payments are not very late, but usually these things move in a very timely fashion.
The majority of my invoices are paid electronically and things are usually very very speedy. Not so this month.
That’s causing me big challenges as I have zero cash reserves. I have been rebuilding my life the last 7 months and my cash reserves disappeared as I ended a past relationship and worked to reestablish a new household for a family of four. I have made a great deal of progress, but even progress runs out of money from time to time, and I can live in the present on the things I earned and paid out on bills in the past.
So that’s a challenge.
In addition, as life would have it, I have been working through a lot of past issues the last couple weeks. I’m using the term, processing. I have been processing past emotions and feelings and problems and past issues with people that were or are in my life.
This too is something I do need to do in order to move forward. I need to process through this stuff. I need to identify what still serves me and let everything else go. There’s a lot of good stuff, but there is a lot that needs to be let go of as well.
The thing about processing is that we can’t always do it in one go. It can take hours, days, weeks, months or even years.
Among other things, I ran into a situation where my present life ran into a speed bump over issues of trust. I felt like I had been betrayed by someone I loved. Afterwards, I forgave them for the their acts of betrayal. I forgave them in my head. I forgave them in my journal. I forgave them in writing in posts.
It worked for a while, but there were two components missing. I never told them that I knew of their betrayal. They had kept it secret from me for almost a year. I learned about it after our relationship ended and for a number of reasons did not confront them with the knowledge. It did not serve me to do that at the time. I did forgive them and moved on with my life.
But 11 months later it caught up with me. I forgave them but did not forget. What’s more, they knew they had betrayed me. Or at least I feel that they knew this. They no longer seemed to trust me and this was getting in the way of present life.
I realized that I needed to rip off the scab on the wound and try again, try more completely this time. So I wrote to them and described why and how I felt betrayed. Then I forgave them again. I included in the same letter some of my own apologies for things that I believe I made mistakes on or could have done better.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I also work to own my own shit. I can change me. I can fix me. I can’t do either of those things with other people.
I can let them know when something they do hurts me. I can establish barriers to protect myself in the future. Healthy barriers that allow me to live life, I’m not creating barriers to shield me from living.
So I got this out of my system. I felt better for it. Yet, after doing it, I also had to reprocess all the emotions and feelings that went with that betrayal and the emotions and feelings that went with the death of the relationship subsequent to the betrayal as well. I had to grieve that relationship one more time.
The grief cycle is like that. We have to go through the grief cycle as often as we have to go through it. In the early days and weeks of grief, we might go through it multiple time and at very deep levels. As time goes by, our grieving stops being a full time job and starts to take up part time hours. Then it spreads out more and more until we might go weeks or months before we feel the grief again.
In this case, I felt some pretty heavy shit, but it was like watching a movie on the first and slowest level of fast forward. It was a movie that I was very familiar with. I recognized and viewed all the scenes, I felt everything all over again. But it was on fast forward and did not take nearly as long to go through the grief cycle.
I have realized that for the last 2-3 weeks, I have been processing some new big thing almost every day. I had a day off here or there for some insane amounts of fun. That helped.
We have to play hard if we are going to process hard and keep our sanity!
But through all of this, I had to work as well. Work requires a different kind of focus, a different kind of processor and I was doing some big things there as well.
I feel at this point, that I need to give myself a vacation from my personal processing for awhile. I need a week off. I need a week to lose myself in work and fun and things that do not require the weight of the world on my shoulders.
The rain has stopped and the family of two geese and their gosslings are slowly walking along the bank of the river. I can just see them past a pavilion post and a tree. Further in the distance, I now see another new family of geese walking their own goslings through the grass.
Life waddles on.
The skies are clearing up in the west. It is probably going to get very warm again today. My legs are jogging and jittery from the sugar of the tropical trail mix.
I need to pack up and take my office to its next location and start doing some technical stuff, web dev related for two clients and also some for my own business reboot.
The baby geese are inching closer to the pavilion. They need their space and I need my own and its time to make this happen.
I’ve raised my energy by simply stating where I am and what I’m doing. I’ve brought my consciousness alive by simply being aware this morning.
I hope you can do the same. Bring your awareness to yourself and raise your energy and then go forth and do great things today for yourself and for the people you care about!
I have not published this after writing it a couple hours earlier. I reminded myself that it is a nice idea to say, “I am going to take a break from processing.”
It is not always easy to accomplish.
I have found there are some things that can help me do this. Maybe they will help you, or maybe help you think of something better for yourself.
Practicing yoga in a studio guided by an instructor can help. It allows me to fully reboot my brain, not just a pause, but a termination of all the running programs. Later when my brain comes back online, I can often pick and choose what to focus on next.
When I need to work, two things can distract me from processing so that I can get work done. Listening to fiction audio books, and listening to fast paced music without many lyrics that I know tempting me to sing along and connect my brain. There are many styles of music that can work here.
Intermittent work breaks to stop and exercise help too. A few hundred crunches, a set of pushups, a set of pullups, lift some free weights, anything to break up the work and prevent daydreaming from taking me into my head. Then right back to work again!
If you have techniques that work for you or a specific meditation or something, I would love it if you considered sharing. Always looking for more things that work!