Ho’oponoponoing my way to a future Intention

Life happens when we are in the middle of a breakup. Change accelerates. The universe sends us curve balls. We get busy with a dozen other (distractions that seem to pop up).
We (seem to) lose time to process our emotions. We (seem to) lose the time we (seem to) need to chart our future. It can (seem to) be difficult to figure out how our former partner will play a role in our future. We might (seem to) choose to block it out or get to it when we can.
After all our survival is on the line here. Or so it may seem during a break up.
Notice all those seem to kind of things?
I highlighted a few. There are more than I can write where those came from.
The self work we miss today grows with the interest of time.

Become a Love Alchemist

I am working through step 4 of Conscious Uncoupling. This is the 4th step of a 5 step process from the book of the same name by Katherine Woodward Thomas.
The steps from the back book cover:
  1. Find Emotional Freedom
  2. Reclaim your Power and Your Life
  3. Break the Pattern, Heal your heart
  4. Become a Love Alchemist <- I’m here
  5. Create Your Happily-Even-After Life
My intent was to work through 1 step a week. I am about 11 days into Step 4.
Life happened.
Seven days ago I started coming down with a virus. I have a number of work projects running concurrently. I have to finish these quickly. I need to bill them so that I can have the funds I need. Then I can take over the rental of the home I share with my former girlfriend.
I am on track to do this. The work is not done yet. The invoices are not yet sent. The money is not yet in the bank.
In the middle of all of this, my ex-wife and I (previous relationship now in a coparenting stage)… We are re-negotiating an Individual Education Plan with my daughter’s school system. This is time intensive and frustrating.
The holidays are coming too.
I want to take my kids to see my family 750 miles away, a 13 hour road trip each way over a 5 day holiday. This is 2 full days of driving split amongst myself and my two children old enough to drive.
I need to return with enough energy to dive back into work and kick off a successful December too.
Life is happening!
Step 4 seems to be a chapter broken into 5 sub chapters. It might be the sickness. It might be the actual chapter.
It might be that Steps 1, 2 and 3 went smoothly for me. Now I have encountered my first real challenge in Conscious Uncoupling. It feels like its taking forever.

Why am I challenged?

Step 4 involves in part the practice of Ho’oponopono. This is a Hawaiian term for a prayer and a practice.
Ho'oponopono practice
We bring into our mind something from the relationship history that is bothering us. Then we begin…
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
The goal is to clear the air and complete our relationship.
This leads to the next part of Step 4, evolving our relationship.
I have known this part was coming for a couple weeks. I am approaching it with a simple mind. I do not know what relationship we will have after this break up.
I am open to the not knowing. I am open to the possibilities.
I simply cannot foresee the future. I am ok with that too.
There is a paradox in this stage. We need to set an intention for how our relationship will exist (or not) in the future.
Will we talk?
Will we be friends?
Will we be acquaintances?
Something else…
I have no idea.
I am open to possibilities, and have not yet felt or known one that seems to be the answer. The puzzle piece of this jigsaw has not presented itself to me.
I feel like I am dancing around an unkown.
Sick and distracted – excuses and also real
I have literally been sick and distracted. This morning in my podcast playlist a Tony Robbins episode came up titled ‘Is it time to let go? | Making the difficult decision to end a relationship‘.
This episode also jumps right into the Ho’oponopono practice just like in Step 4 of the book. The man in this episode that is being coached by Tony Robbins resonates with me a bit.
We definitely have a lot of differences too.
His description of his own ex-wife seems resonates in my experience as a witness.
I am not saying they are the same. I do see and connect with a lesson from this example.
I am also reminded of the movie ‘The Shift‘ created by the late Dr. Wayne Dyer. A character in the movie leaves her relationship to find her own significance.
In these examples, the men in the relationships, as an individual partner…
They can not fulfill the role of significance for the women in their life.
The women have to leave the relationship to find their significance.
In these examples, the woman is not even looking for a different man to give them significance.
Note – To truly understand the context of ‘significance’ in my article here, I recommend listening to the podcast via the link above. Plus, this is one of many of my interpretations,  and I recognize my interpretations are only that. My job is to learn to ask better questions in future relationships to find areas where my values and goals better match future partners values and goals.
This is about finding the significance in their own lives. This is not about being defined by a man.
In these examples, this happens at a stage in life for the women that is in the later middle stages of life. As a witness to the #MeToo movement spreading around the world (It’s #WeToo in Japan), I feel like this is something that women are experiencing at many different ages now.
There is a zeitgeist happening. Women are re-awakening to this concept, and I am happy to live in this age and witness this happening.
I am also sad as it is one of the reasons why I am letting go of my current relationship and a woman that I love very much.
It is just one reason. There are several others.
This is one of those reasons that I can never resolve. In some of the early phases of our relationship, I attempted to help her express and connect and realize through her actions, this significance.
I could see it in her. I could see it in her potential. Everyone that encountered her and experienced her abilities, could see and feel it as well.
The Challenge
We cannot help another person feel or know their own significance just by witnessing it.
We can’t help another person see their significance for them.
We can do many other things.
I have a lot to learn here, and note this as an area for my own future development and growth.
But this is not an area where we can ‘do for’ another person.
So I am letting go with love.
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
My former girlfriend is also working through this book and these steps.
The ending of this relationship is as beautiful as the beginning of our relationship.
This too is a paradox. At times I feel connected, almost reconnected with her in this beautiful ending.
And I am letting go in love.
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I do not know what our future might look like. I am working to find ways to make amends (an area I have a lot of work and development to do. I feel distracted by life in this area as well.)
We have had days and days of rain and cold and the start of a real fall here in the south east. I look out on a beautiful sun lit back yard.
The final yellow leaves on one of the last trees to hold leaves is lit up. The yellow is almost too bright to stare at for long.
beauty in yellow leaves
I will find this future eventually. I will create it. We might co-create it in our new roles whatever those will be.
I will be ok. She will be ok.
I’ll look forward with hope, and get myself back to work this morning as I have life to do,
and again I will let go with love….
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

 

Mindfully Moving Out Day!

Tomorrow, will mark the start of a new adventure. I am moving out of my digs, my first apartment as a single adult.

I lived here for about 13 months and made this place my home. Along the way, I enjoyed the company of neighbors above and around me.  The neighbors above me had some delightful children that trained relentlessly for the Olympic Pole Vaulting competition in 2032. They were succeeded by a different family with a wide range of children who were training for multiple Olympic years, primarily in wrestling and shot put.

Along the way, a stray cat named Snuffles might have saved my life. Her departure along with her four kittens also marked an epic battle to rid my place of fleas. This was exacerbated by my lack of understanding that humidity breeds fleas and removing humidity squashes fleas.

I have grieved in this apartment. I have found love while living here. Countless friends and family have helped me heal and recover and grow in more ways than I could have ever imagined. The healing and growth and recovery continue and friends and family keep surprising me with new ways of helping me along my journey.

My gratitude and ability to be grateful to find positivity again to find love and make myself happy… all these things have grown to levels I would have never thought possible when I moved into this place.

I stayed longer than I intended. My original goal was to find a house to rent after the first 6 months. As real estate trends go, it was not meant to be.

I found it more of a challenge to leave than I expected. I even felt a little ‘stuck’ while I was here.

That feeling of being stuck permeated through many layers of my being. Even while I was healing and recovering, there were aspects of my life that were not progressing ‘fast enough’. In retrospect, I was like a grumpy patient, stuck in a recovery ward for many good reasons, but I was anxious to leave as soon as possible and confounded in my attempts to do so.

That started changing and rapidly a couple weeks ago.

Things are opening up on many fronts now as the barriers, real or perceived or whatever seem to be rapidly falling down around me.

I am hopeful and excited and very grateful at how things are working out. I am happy that I had the time that I did. I am going to miss this place even as I know that I have grown past it already.

It served its purpose and served it very well.

I have purged hundreds of books and lots and lots of other things that served their purpose for me too.

Tomorrow, I will bring in a moving truck and load everything up to go. I will let this place go.

I will carry forward the good memories and even in some of the sad ones, I will be mindful of how this place helped me to heal.

I look forward to my future. At the moment, I’m walking through a door.  I am taking everything one step at a time.

I am not multi tasking anxiety in my mind.

I am doing one thing at a time. I bring my attention and focus to each of these one things.

I am doing a whole lot of ‘one things!’

This too marks an area of growth and improvement for me. In months and years and decades past, I would have happily taken on and enjoyed multitasking through the strategy and planning and doing of many things.

I would have multitasked through the anxiety as well.

This is something I leave behind in this apartment.

I will work hard to remember my lesson. I will work hard not to multitask anxiety. I will work hard to be in the moment and take one thing at a time. Plan when I need to plan, but not take on the anxiety.

I have learned over the last year as I shed my codependency, I have learned to trust that others will take care of and work their own shit.

This continues to serve me very well. It serves me well in my new relationship. It serves me even better as a father of a preteen and two teens. My children are coming to an age where they have either taken on their own shit or are working at doing so. Instead of being anxious for them, I am giving them the space they need to become self sufficient.

The funny thing is, I have also learned to trust myself again! I have learned to trust myself in the present. A year ago, I was in recovery from a broken heart and relationship. I was just starting then. I did not know when I might be able to trust my own judgment again.

Now, I do trust myself. Plus, I have learned to trust in my future self.

That last point is important. I trust that I will be able to take care of my own shit in the future.

This frees me from worrying about what I will do and focus on what I can or should do now.

For most of my life, I have benefited from confidence and the ability to back it up with results. I trusted in the ability to get results, but still worried through things.

Then, I was knocked down. I learned a great deal more from being knocked down.

Maybe the biggest lesson I have learned is how it feels to let go of the anxiety and set it aside and bring mindful focus to the present.

There will be some amazing things in my future and I am positive that this new skill of mine, will help me achieve.

 

 

‘Letting Go’ Is Not Giving Up

I took a deep breath as I walked back in the door. I just returned from the Post Office.I have a PO Box there that I have had for about 8 years for business correspondence for my web development and consulting company. I’m living (temporarily) in an apartment these last 6 months and do not have the majority of my mail routed through the mail box that comes with the apartment. I don’t really want junk mail going to the apartment in perpetuity after I move.


My PO Box was empty. It has been a trying month. Larger payments have not been forthcoming.Work has been plentiful. Still its not easy to keep oneself motivated with a rapidly depleting bank account.

I’ve got lots of work to do this afternoon and this evening. 

I am grateful for that. I need the work.

All the way back, its about a quarter mile walk there and another quarter mile back, I was working through feeling the thought that I needed to let go of the things I cannot control.

I can’t control speeding along a check to be cut, nor delivered. Today, was probably the last day, I could hope to get it turned around and deposited in time to pay my rent on time.

So now I have a new challenge to deal with. My receivables are large enough to pay my outstanding bills, some of which are past due. But I can’t write checks on receivables.

As I worked to ‘feel’ the need to let go, I kept feeling the guilt that comes with the sense of ‘giving up’. This is an irrational feeling. I am not giving up. Letting go and giving up are two different things.

I’ve been working through a number of things to fix and improve things. They have not proved to be enough to head off my current challenges, but they will make life better in the future.

I’m going to have to find a way to let go of the current situation that I cannot control any longer. I’m doing that without the guilt of feelings about giving up.

That guilt will not help me get things done. It will not help me stay positive and do positive things for myself, my family and my clients. I write this to help close the deal on this mental cleanse. I need to put voice to this feeling and lock it up so that I can take these temporary but recurring feelings and dump the negatives and lock the positive ones into my future.


I took a quick break to write this up while sitting on my porch enjoying the breeze and the warm, but not yet hot sun and the blooming Hibiscus that I picked up for $9 a few days ago. Keeping it real, I have $110 in my bank account. 


I am not a fake it until you make it person. That balance is going to be significantly larger soon, but at the moment it is not. Its just money and I know how to make more of it.

So its time to do some of that, and get some things moving. Break is over, business partners are pinging me with deliverables that I have been awaiting since last evening. 

 Time to make some donuts and make a great day!

I hope you are able to get past your own challenges and let go of the things you cannot control, not just let go, but do so without guilt and stress and know that you can make improvements in your present and your future. The anxiety stemming from things that we cannot control adds no value.

I’m with you in spirit. Let’s go make some great things happen. Let go and live. Let go and make good things happen. Let’s go finish an amazing day. Let go and enjoy an even better weekend. 

Now!

Today, The day I get my shit together, again!

Good Morning! Today is the day that I get my shit back together, again.When I started this week, I had no idea that my shit would fall apart.


Life has a way of making us adapt. This week I have learned a great deal. I learned that I was carrying something that did not belong to me. Something I picked up about a year ago.

It was a truth, and it was a truth that I could not carry any longer.

Let me get back to that and unveil how this all came to be this week.

I entered the week fully recharged and energetic to take on the world. I cleared a milestone on a large project early in the week. Tuesday evening I went to a support group meetup for people that are going or have gone through a divorce or separation. For me, it has been almost a year. I went thinking I would pay it forward for the people in the group that were fresh into things.

I felt confident that I had my shit together. I could help others.

During the meeting two things happened simultaneously.

First, my personal life intruded on the meeting as I received angry text messages from my ex-wife accusing me of violating her personal space, coming onto her property and working on her broken down van without her permission. This flabbergasted me as I did no such thing. It upset me as not only had I not done this, but I couldn’t conceive how she would even think that I would want to do such a thing. I am not a secretive, sneaky random mechanic that enjoys or even is capable of working on someone’s broken vehicle when they least suspect it.

Second, as a member of the group attempted to share their truth, a different member of the group interjected and tried to tell the first person to simply just let it go and be positive. I felt that his words broke the rules of the group that should allow anyone to share their feelings in turn and do so without someone else telling them their feelings were wrong. I am not a trained therapist and was not ready to stop him in time. Fortunately, another (new) member of the group, was a trained therapist and stepped in and did stop him. Damage was done regardless.

Later that evening it gave me a chance to talk with the lady who had been interrupted. We had talked before at past meetings, but we connected more this time. She was upset and I felt rightly so. I also could empathize with the gentleman who had interrupted her. His interruption was not a good thing to do, but he is human. Human’s make mistakes and I felt he had an opportunity to learn from his mistake.

Furthermore, his example taught me a whole lot about the power of a group, the power of employing active listening techniques and the power (negative power) of not employing active listening techniques. I needed that lesson. I think it may have been useful for every other member in the group to learn from the experience too.

During my subsequent talks with that same lady, I realized that we shared some commonalities in our separation and divorce experience. From my perspective, I realized that I had lost trust in my ex-wife and potentially that loss of trust was driving her to distrust me.

My loss of trust stemmed from my learning some things about her that I had not known during our marriage. She did things that hurt me during our marriage, but I did not learn about them until after we decided to divorce.

I am a recovering codependent. When I learned these things, I did not address them with her directly. I had many reasons for this. At the time, the most important one was a legal reason. We were trying to negotiate our separation agreement and my attorney advised me not to bring them up as that might antagonize our very broken ability to negotiate.

For codependent reasons, I also kept the knowledge to myself. I felt that if I told her what I knew, it would hurt her, embarrass her, give her more pain and neither of us needed more pain. I did not address it publicly either as I felt that if I did, it could have a negative impact on her career, which could then in turn harm our children. Anything that hurt the mother of my children, might hurt them and I did not want that.

So I bottled it up, and agonized over it internally for months. We finally finished our negotiations in October and by then, I had accepted our separation and divorce and decided it was not worth bringing up. What was the point?

I continued to carry the knowledge and the pain that it inflicted until this week.

Fast forward to today. My new friend from the meetup group that had been interrupted, shared a gif with me today. It details how a glass of water, when we hold it has a weight that is inconsequential. Yet if I hold that glass for an hour with an arm outstretched, it will feel heavy and our arm will tire. In my case, if I hold it for a week, a month, a year, the agony of the ache in my arm will be unbearable.

The lesson is that we do not need to hold things for long periods of time. We need to set them down and let them go.

I had held the truth and the pain that came with it, the pain of my ex-wife’s actions for almost a year. This week I let it go and set it down and did so by letting her know what I knew. The context and details of that communication are private, but I let it go.

Doing so, caused me to go through the grief cycle all over again. I felt anger, I felt depression, I cried at times and went through everything that I had gone through over the last 11 months within the space of a couple days. It wasn’t as severe, nor as stretched out, but I had to reprocess those feelings again in light of a new context. I apparently had to do this to heal or re-heal some wounds that had not set well the last time.

I went to sleep last night, emotionally and physically exhausted after learning of the death of Prince earlier in the day, which also triggered more grief. I paddleboarded up and down the South Fork River for the first time since last summer listening to Prince songs, which of course have lyrics that are very emotional. I raised and exorcised a lot of personal demons.

So today, Friday morning, I’m sitting here after going through that.

It rained a bit this morning. I awoke thinking, it will be a rainy day. I do not want to be stuck inside all day. I want to work outside. I want to find a beautiful place to recharge me and carry me through the day.

I decided to walk down to a park near the water, just a block away. I figured, I would find a place to write for a half hour until the rain came back.

I envisioned taking that experience of working in the park before the rain came, back and using it to fuel me through my day.

That is what I am doing right now. In the process, I wandered past a repaired fence post.


I walked past some rubber necking geese.


I walked out onto a dock and noticed that someone had left a coke can on the railing despite a recycle bin being twenty feet away.


I emptied and threw away the can. I did not rail against them for being lazy. I found my world as it was and made it a little better. I am thankful they gave me that opportunity.


I noticed beauty as I walked and took pictures to capture the memory.



  
  
I found a little pavilion with two picnic tables. They were dry and they overlooked the water and a small tree with finches chasing each other.


This is my office for today. Today the world ends. Today the world begins.

It does this with every moment, every second. I have found my office for the end of the world and it is beautiful. I hope you find yours today as well.

I am going to make an amazing day today and invite you to do the same!

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life…

🙂

Let’s go crazy!!!!!