I had surgery last week. A small skin cancer tumor no longer resides below my right eye in my cheek.
I never had cancer before. This was a ‘small’ cancer. It was not life threatening. It could cause problems later in life, but it is gone now.
I never had a surgery that cut into my skin before. I received many stitches in my face. I am fortunate. These stitches are my first too.
The surgery was 5 days ago. It took more out of me than I expected. I slept a great deal.
I could not smile for several days. That took a lot out of me too.
Before the surgery, my life kept accelerating. It grew and it grew better, but the surgery forced me to slow down and pause.
I need to speed up again.
Things are holding me back. I can feel them. I need to move past these ‘things’.
I do not know how, so I am writing through it here and now to find my path again.
What holds me back?
First, there are things that hold me back. There are things that help me move forward with ease. I need to remove the former and heal or repair the latter.
I am depressed. This holds me back.
I am unable to exercise due to stitches for a few more days. This prevents me from running or practicing yoga. Those are things that help me move forward with ease.
The depression has many roots. Some are ‘all in my head’. I have an initial therapy appointment for the second week of December. This is the earliest the VA can get me in to start working on me.
I made the steps to get that going though!
My finances are upside down. I have worked on this for quite a while. I make progress every week. Yet, I am still in the upside down. This is frustrating and a driver of my depression as well.
I work to accept what I cannot fix in the now. I work to fix what I can. It is far easier to do this work well, when I do not feel depressed. The depression creates a ‘catch 22’.
I self medicate with a 200 mg caffeine pills as a daily supplement. This gets me through the hardest time of day, mornings.
It’s not enough. It helps.
I suffer from distractions. I do not call this ADD or ADHD. I do not have a diagnosis for either.
I get hung up on things:
Cash Flow Problems – Clients that do not pay me or pay slowly. This is a big trigger for me. Even when the amount is inconsequential, it can stop me in my tracks.
News & Politics – For 18 months I kept these out of my life. It helped. They have seeped back into life.
Interruptions – Running errands for myself or the family distracts me. This is a big one. As a half time single parent, it can be more challenging every other week. I get behind when I have custody of my children. Writing that sentence makes me feel guilty as hell.
This list is not comprehensive. It is a small sample.
It helps me to have many things to do.
Before writing this:
- I unloaded the dishwasher,
- reloaded my medicine box for the next week,
- made the bed,
- took a shower,
- dressed my wound, and
- had a healthy snack.
These small tasks gave me momentum to start writing.
Writing will be another task that will help me move onto client work that requires more writing.
That will feed to another task and another.
I build momentum to move forward. Moving is necessary to move past things that hold me back.
How do I move past this?
It helps me to write out the things that ail me. I need to put voice to a thing to move past it.
So writing this now, is helping me move past everything I mention herein.
Writing alone is not enough. Therapy next month will help.
Reading books, taking courses, viewing things on screens that inspire help me too.
I am overdue for a trip to the comedy club. Laugh therapy always helps me. I laugh at life’s challenges all the time. I often have a ‘good attitude’ even while depressed.
Laughing ‘at my circumstances’ is not healthy. It is self deprecatory.
Laughing along with an audience led by a professional comedian can be very healthy.
I need that soon.
I need to get out and dance as well. Music and moving to music, helps me metabolize my depression. It helps me transform into a positive person.
I need that soon too.
Did I really put the monster down?
In a month or a year or 5, will I look back and witness that I moved past the things that held me back?
Will I have put down the monster?
I do not know.
I will set some goals. I need to consciously see what I am working to improve. I need to KNOW when I have achieved it.
I will need to course correct if I fall of the path. I will need to adjust my goals if my view from the next vista indicates, I have chosen poorly.
In some ways, I may never put the monster down. That’s ok.
For many years, I never needed most of this stuff.
Well, I did, but I didn’t know it.
I lived without knowing what I needed to be happy, healthy, or to perform at peak performance.
I know better now.
Many of these steps are one part first aid and another part ongoing maintenance.
If I heal for now, and stop performing the maintenance, a serious problem might develop.
First aid might not be enough!
I can get to an easier place in life. I can get back to a place where I have things taken care of as part of my regular routine.
Next Steps for Me
So I will publish this short article. I will help a client and then another and another.
I will help some of those same clients pay me.
I will improve my work and business. I am doing a lot to get far more organized. I am cutting costs too using new tools.
I will build more momentum.
My face will heal and the cut will stop oozing blood at unfortunate times.
I will exercise again. I will reboot my head practicing yoga again.
I will do many more things and do them well.
I will make mistakes and learn from some of them. With luck and effort, I will learn from all of them!
What would you do? What would be next for you?
I do not know everything. I am in unchartered territory and learning as I go.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Enough about me. How are you? What would you do for you?
What will you do next for you?
Care to share some notes? Maybe we can learn from each other, maybe not.
I do know that it is healthy and helpful to work through life with others.
Thank you for coming along for the ride!