As I sit staring at the flowers on the table, sipping some ‘Sleep’ tea because I’m not sleeping, I glance up and see a plaque on my wall.
life is better with love
About 3 years back, I bought that plaque for $10. I think I got it at Big Lots or maybe it was Aldis?
I brought it back to my new apartment, the post separation apartment after a 23 year marriage, evaporated in an evening initiated by a drunken stranger in an out of control truck on two wheels.
The plaque conveyed my sentiments, my intention, my aspiration and my belief system.
There is judgement in those words. It happens when ever that tricky be verb is used to create a sentence.
It most definitely gets judgey when the word ‘better’ gets thrown in there too!
Better implies worse. Better implies comparison. Better implies someone looking around and seeing worse and comparing it to something else that gets labeled as better.
All that judging is why it is part of my belief system. I recognize that now. I was not conscious of it then.
Some might claim that it is also a value of mine.
I value love.
I want or desire love in my life. And for me, when I have love in my life, life is better.
It wasn’t too long after I bought that plaque, that love came into my life. I met a wonderful woman. We experienced a perfect date. It was a confirming of love as much as it was also a falling in love. We had already fallen in love before the first date.
The date was more of a chemistry check. Did we have chemistry to match the love?
Oh, yeah! We most definitely had chemistry.
We were off to the races and it was wonderful.
We had our wounds. We had our scars.
We were in love and we healed a whole lot of those wounds and worked out those scars and made ourselves into something new.
Happily Even After…
We got quite far on love and chemistry. We started to bond and grow in new ways trying to find ways to grow into our new relationship.
- We traveled a bit here or there; it was not enough.
- We attempted to co-create a business together; it was not quite… I do not know what.
- We made a beautiful home together; and it was not enough either.
That relationship ended a week ago and this is a small coming to terms with that end.
And I look up and see the plaque. Life is better with love.
It was amazingly better with love.
And here’s the rub…
Since we decided to end the relationship, it feels as if a balloon of tension simply disappeared.
It didn’t pop. It didn’t zip away in noisy, squealing loop-de-loops.
It just vanished.
It is early in this split up. We are just starting in the Step 1 or something of Conscious Uncoupling, a 5 step process, a way to mindfully, compassionately end a relationship and shift into a life of “Happily Even after” ~ quote from the book.
I am very happy with the new directions opening up in my life. Things feel easier.
I love witnessing the energy and vitality in my ex-girlfriend as well.
There are many reminders at this stage, reminders of why and how I fell so deeply in love with her.
I am not going to get into the ‘why’ of the ending. She and I have discussed this and for now have decided not to write about that. In my memory, this was more her idea than mine, and with a week of hindsight, it feels very wise to me in this current moment.
I remember why and how I fell in love with her. I could do it all over again, but I also remember why and how the relationship wasn’t working for either of us.
In balance, the scales tipped away from there being an ‘us’.
A week ago, it did not look like we could be friends for much longer. Maybe that was the heat of the moment, the fuel of the ending.
This week, I feel differently about that. I do not know where this friend might fit in my future life, and that’s ok. These things never get figured out in 7 days, maybe not 7 weeks or 7 months.
In this moment, I can mourn the passing of our relationship, and I think there is still love there. It’s not relationship level love. It’s a love of our own selves. Its a love for what we experienced maybe. It might be a love for what could have been, if only xyz.
Its a love for this other person that meant the world to me for a few, important years of my life.
I have loved as deeply for a far shorter amount of time.
I have loved as deeply for a longer amount of time.
The measurement is not important.
The love is the important part, whether its for three weeks or 3 years or 3 decades, a rough approximation of the three most influential loves of my life.
I do not measure these loves against each other. This is not how love works for me.
I loved them each with everything I had while I was with them. I love each one of them still and will not stop.
I learned and confirmed three years ago, that I could grow my heart larger. I did this in part as there was a massive hole in it. That hole was not filled or healed or anything. The hole will always be there.
My heart simply got larger. My capacity to love grew infinitely more, and I fell in love using that newish, great big heart.
My heart is not dead yet. Some day I will do this again. This is not something I need to learn nor confirm anymore. I have gained a new level of knowing, an intense new level of wisdom about myself.
I paid for that wisdom with blood and sweat and tears, and I’d pay it all over again, and I probably will.
The bottom of my tea cup still has some tea left. I neglected to throw out the tea bag and the lavender/chamomile blend is turning the water sour. The tea was calming and helpful to calm my mind as I started writing this.
Now I think, I can get that rest I need, preparing for an amazing day tomorrow working on myself, working on my business, working to build an amazingly beautiful end to my relationship with an amazingly beautiful person, as we take slow, gradual steps to not be with each other anymore, and with luck and good fortune and compassion and even love, I hope we grow as friends.