Cliff hanger lifestyle

Is a Cliff Hanger Lifestyle Right for me?

I woke from my dream. My heart beat started to slow down. All was back to normal. I was Jackie Chan, and a massive explosion had not really, just ripped through the heart of my favorite city.

Sigh.

It was time to get going, resume my undercover role. Put my ‘face’ on and proceed to wind up this case.

The dream had shaken me. The desolation of the explosion in my city rocked me.

I reminded myself that it was just a dream.

[6 hours later]

The memory of my dream last night included the vision of the desolation. This memory flashed before my eyes now as I held the shoulder fired SAM aimed at the high railed train carrying explosives heading to the heart of my city.

These were not suicide bombers. The explosives were cover for their getaway. They held a device that could destroy the world.

My choice was impossible. I could let them get away and control the world or destroy the world
OR
I could fire now, destroy the device, destroy them, and take out blocks and blocks of my city.

I was looking at the same area of the city that I had witnessed in my dream, before the desolation my dream showed.

Realization washed through me.

I was the destroyer of my city in my dream & now maybe in reality.

I wish I had grown up to be an actor instead of a counter terrorism police officer.

I didn’t want this choice.

Why me?

What would I do now in real life????

If you are wondering what choice Jackie Chan made, you’ll have to wait a bit. This is a cliff hanger, a cliff hanger from my own dream of being Jackie Chan in a different world, a different time, a different place, maybe a different universe.

I’ve never met the Jackie Chan of this world or universe.

I do love his movies. I just watched a tragic epic starring Jackie and John Cusack last week.

But I had dreamed myself as Jackie, who was dreaming and then living a night mare. A night mare choice.

The result was a cliff hanger.

True Blooded Stress in Life

Last evening my girlfriend Sharon and I had a conversation about True Blood. We both really love and enjoy the show. Yet, Sharon had made the conscious decision to stop watching. She is an empath.

The show was eliciting too many parallels in her own life.

She had not encountered real vampires and werewolves and fairies and were-panthers and sex fiends and drug addicts and religiously intolerant people in real life.

Yet, in real life the analogies of those hyper fictional characters were starting to express themselves. She could see parallels.

She chose to stop watching almost at the end of the 3rd or 4th season.

I’m not judging this choice one way or another. I’ve seen all the shows and read all the books.

I have in my life cut out ‘stress inducing’, ‘anxiety inducing’ media. I did it to survive quite literally. There was a time after my separation where my psyche simply couldn’t handle movies, tv, music or news.

I went cold turkey.

It was an easy decision. I did it to save my own skin. It was as easy a decision as throwing a bottle of poison in the trash knowing its immediate danger. It did not stick forever.

Sharon’s decision was different. I think. I’m witnessing and I’m not speaking for her.

It felt as if she were not making a life or death decision. It felt like she was making a path choice.

Along one path led a happy enough life where she could escape into the fiction of a tv show and relax at night.

Along a different path she could live with less anxiety and stress and with fewer parallels drawn to the extreme swings of drama mirrored in a fictional show that would then express itself in real life.

Neither path would be the end of her. One path could lead to a better her.

again, my witness of what I feel I observed, not a judgment…

Witnessing is tricky sometimes.

She shared something this morning on Facebook as she witnessed my children eating left over mac n cheese for breakfast. It’s a thursday morning. It has been a hectic week getting the kids to their various schools and after school functions.

My girls are very physically healthy. My oldest daughter came in second at a local cross country meet Tuesday, before going to a 2.5 hour band rehearsal where she is in the color guard.

Our package of strawberries had molded over while we slept and breakfast options were limited as we made our choices with 10 minutes to spare before we made it out the door.

They chose mac n cheese.

That was a stark contrast for Sharon and helped her see some parallels to stress and anxiety and health problems she has witnessed in others of various ages.

Surround yourself with _____ People

  • Want to be smart, surround yourself with smart people.
  • Want to be happy, surround yourself with happy people.
  • Want to eat healthy, surround yourself with people that eat healthy.
  • Want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people.
  • Want to avoid being toxic, dump the toxic people from your life.

note the super negative aspect of this last one, breaks the formula a bit doesn’t it!

Why am I writing all of this?

So here’s the rub.

I love to write fiction. I love to write in general. I like to learn from what I read. I love to go on a journey when I read. I want to write things that I would love to read.

When we follow a hero on a journey in a fictional story, drama is the stuff that helps us connect and relate and empathetically connect with the character. Via our soul, we delve into the scenarios of ‘what would I do in this situation?’

Now sometimes the hero of the story makes choices and decisions that we would never make and they get into a complicated tangle of a life situation.

Again, via our soul, we delve into the scenarios of ‘What would I do in this situation now?’

Horror movies are often the worst (imho) for this type of thing, because the characters often make decisions that a true living person would never make.

  • Life in a horror movie happens because every possible thing that could go wrong, goes wrong in a horrific way.
  • In comedies, everything that could happen, happens in a comedic way.
  • In action movies, everything that could happen, happens in a high intensity, action packed way.
  • In Zen movies, nothing happens, people just sit around and grow more peaceful.

This explains why no one in Game of Thrones meditates or practices yoga!

Brandon Stark being the possible exception and no one understands him at all!

Envision Your Future, Be your future

“Be the ball. Be your future Danny” ~ Chevy Chase character in Caddy Shacks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWH811TcckU

There are lots of great talks and examples:

  • the power of envisioning our future,
  • practicing sports plays in our heads before playing,
  • running chess strategies through our minds before and as we play, and
  • preparing in general for the things that will come in our future.

The mental exercise prepares us to make the decisions we’ll need to make in the heat of the moment and physically do the things that those decisions require. It gives us each just a little more preparation to react quickly enough to achieve the outcome we desire.

  1. When we practice envisioning with too much fiction, we run through the mental exercise of running from the monster and tripping in the woods and getting caught, even though we haven’t tripped while running in the woods for ages.
  2. We practice saying all the absolute wrong things to the client, the boss, the parents of the person we love, and being taken ridiculously out of context like a comedy.
  3. We practice driving like a maniac to escape the ‘bad guys’ and then jump into a panic and drive like crazy to escape highway troopers when we simply should have pulled over to get a ticket.

Is a Cliff hanger lifestyle for me?

So this morning, I’m asking myself this question.

Do I want to envision these fictions designed to emotionally connect with me?

Do I want to practice ramping up my dopamine levels watching a roller coaster of a tv show?

Do I want to live with the anxiety tonight while I’m trying to sleep of what will happen in the next episode after the cliff hanger?

When I was a kid, the Jumping the Shark concept was witnessed by Americans and anyone that had access to American TV.

We watched Happy Days walk us through episode after episode of our heroes experiencing micro challenges and solving them before the show ended.

Then one day, the mold was broken. Fonzie went to Hawaii and was dared into water skiing over a ramp and jumping over a shark in a underwater fenced in pen.

He literally ‘jumped the shark’ hence the term.

But we did not get to see him land. Not that season. Not the next day.

We lived with the anxiety of whether or not Fonzie survived or became leather jacketed shark chum.

danger of banana peel slip

danger of banana peel slip

Happy Days Spoiler Alert!

He survived. Maybe the title of the show ‘happy days’ gave it away.  🙂

We had to wait months to find out.

These days, tv producers make viral series to keep people binge watching shows. True Blood fits this mold and tends to run through a cycle of about 3 shows.  Every three shows the anxiety ramps up and up and then is dispelled just a bit.  Over the course of a season a bigger plot does the same.

Every show almost has a bit of a cliff hanger. Every season ends on a cliff hanger.

It works. It is entertaining as hell!

Now, I’m an atheist, but I stand by that last phrases, ‘entertaining as hell!’

Because the concept of hell is based on the premise of an endless torment.  In cliff hanger fiction, the hero’s torment never abates. It always escalates to new and more ridiculous heights.

Our Parameters for what is ‘Possible to Endure’ escalate too

hanging by a string

hanging by a string

We stretch and twist and become more amenable to the possibility that we might be able to endure what the hero we watched endured. After all, we’ve mentally gone through the exercise of envisioning it in our minds. It is akin to a memory. In some minor, minimal ways, we endured it too.

So when we are suddenly confronted with a choice or a life twist, we have this expansive amount of experience to draw on from cliff hanger fiction.

We turn in the direction of ‘interesting lives’ and follow paths our ‘heroes’ followed on TV.

We rarely find solace or happiness or comfort or love or companionship or success or anything in these choices.

We do find stress and anxiety and the real world problems from such scenarios manifested in real life.

Is a Cliff hanger lifestyle right for me right now?

This is the question I’m contemplating myself.  Do I need to fill up on anxiety and stress in my relaxing hours? When I’m recharging for the next round of work and no days off, do I need to mentally experience a heroes hell?

Some days the answer might be yes. We can learn from these scenarios. Humans are wonderfully adept at finding wisdom and solutions when confronted with a truth wrapped up in a banana peel. Sometimes we need to have our blinders shaken off so that we can really see.

Some days the answer might be no. Our cup might be too full of dopamine already. We might not need to live our lives through the context, through the lens of Sookie Stackhouse and her relationship with a vampire sucking her life blood and fairy energy. We might have our own real flesh and blood living loved ones fighting for their lives. Wondering if they will land outside the shark pen might be more important than worrying about Fonzie with his hair flying in the breeze.

Maybe we can enjoy the cliff, see its beauty. We can know that life will deal us our own cliff hangers and sometimes life will deal us the love and serenity of safely experiencing the cliff and the heights that they offer.

I have no answers. I have no wisdom. I am only asking questions as I consider my own path.

rainbow at cliff's edge

rainbow at cliff’s edge

Maybe you have made similar choices.

  • How did they work?
  • How did they not work?
  • How might they work now?
  • How might they work later?

What perspective am I missing? 

I’m sure there is more than one. I suspect someone out there might even have a vital clue that will help me find a better path this time or next…

Maybe it will help us all!

The Wait is On

I am sitting here at the moment kicking and churning through some wait induced anxiety.  I only fully started to recognize the feeling for what it was (anxiety that is) as it slowly, ever so slowly, increased to the point where I stopped doing…

My first inclination was to take a walk or practice some yoga. Instead, I held back. I will still do this, but thought it might be more useful to let myself feel what I need to feel in this moment.

I’m not choosing to soak in the anxiety and let it permeate into every pore and take over.

I’m doing what I do, and working through the feeling. There’s more there than just anxiety itself. There are drivers and causes and triggers and all sorts of clutter in my mind.  I can zero those out, reboot my mental computer and start fresh.

This will be healthy.

I can also quickly delve into what those drivers and causes and triggers and other clutter, I can look and see what is there. I can better understand what process it is that started spinning a strange loop in my head until my cerebral processor got stuck there and the anxiety meter started to increase.

This writing will serve exactly that introspective purpose.  Then I’ll practice yoga. 🙂

So what is going on with me?

Unlike, my laptop, I can’t pop open a screen and see which processes are running and which ones are not responding.

I can reach down deep and identify the feeling in my mind and in my gut.

At the moment, I am having one of those gut level feelings combined with lots of thoughts in my head.

Science has discovered that we next to our brains, our guts have the second most neurons in our bodies. A gut feeling is not just a feeling, it is neurons in our gut firing and doing something useful for us.

At a high level, I have three four external events that are contributing to my anxiety. These are the external pressures that are cooking up the thoughts in my instant pot mind.

  • Waiting to hear about a potential new job
  • Bills coming due
  • Unpaid invoices in the wind
  • My To Do list for this week including multiple projects

The item at the top of the list is the 800lb gorilla of this batch of items.

Backstory on the job I did not get

Late last year and into the beginning of this year, I applied for a great job with a great company. I went through multiple interviews, and at the end of it I was one of two people considered for the position. The other person got the job. I am not aware of the other person’s qualifications nor how they stack up against my own. I am not aware of how they did in interviews compared to how I performed.

I do know just one thing. They were able to live and work locally for the job whereas I would have been a remote employee.

Fast Forward to Today – Back in the running

I wanted that job then. I would have been good at that job.

Two weeks ago, I noticed that a very similar job had been reposted on the company’s website. I reached out to the HR Manager.

Then a few days later, I noticed that a different job, had also posted. It was different but something that I was also qualified to do as well. I reached out to the HR Manager again. I had not received a reply from the first inquiry.

Then a couple days later, the headhunter that had first put me in touch with the company last year, contacted me to see if I was interested in the first job.

I was. I said so.

As it turns out, the original person that did get the job had not worked out. I do not know the reasons. They are mostly none of my business.

I am curious if the company might have learned something about their needs or requirements, maybe something that I could help with more. Or maybe something that would be good to know so as to avoid ‘not working out’ in the future…

Two days ago, I heard back from the HR Manager. It was a quick note to let me know they were looking into things.

From the head hunter, I got the impression that they were attempting to figure out what they should do, such as:

  • Did they need to take a new pool of candidates?
  • Did they need to interview them all?
  • Would the need to interview me again?
  • Could they just send me an offer?
  • Maybe a bunch of other stuff too.

I have been a hiring manager many times in my past careers. Sometimes, I have had to start over and collect a new pool of candidates. Other times, I just went from the person on the top of the list, to the next person on the list.

I am hopeful that they will simply go to the next person on the list, me.

🙂

I am tired of waiting.

This is one of the feelings that I am working through. I am an extremely patient person. Still, I can feel the need to get things moving too.

Right now, I feel the need to see things flow. I feel the need to ‘know’ what is going to happen next and get busy making that happen.

Those other three things

The next two things are tied together. I have bills to pay. I have outstanding invoices that have not been paid. I need the outstanding invoices to be paid so that I can pay the bills. I have not heard from the people I sent the invoices to in several days. One is out of the office on vacation. The invoice might have been processed before the departure, or maybe not.  I have little visibility to whether or not the invoice will be paid sooner or later.

This is a yin and yang aspect of my finances.

This is an obvious source for some of my anxiety. It would not normally be enough to grind me to a halt, but with the big one, the unknown job situation and potential, this is fueling the anxiety a bit more.

Finally my remaining projects

This is both a source for anxiety and also a source for curing my anxiety. (another paradox)

On the one hand, working through my projects is helping to keep me calm and patient. I am making progress on my projects. I have a half dozen that I am working currently.  These are not large projects in terms of money. They are important to me and to my clients and partners.

They do require energy, focus and forward progress.

Anxiety can rob me of all of those things, hence this quick break to talk it out with myself (and then do yoga).

If I am being honest with myself, I have been working at about 66% of my normal speed on these projects over the last 3 days.

The anticipation of the new job is distracting me. I have had a few family distractions as well on top of that.

So I feel like I am not wrapping or launching (as the case may be) these projects fast enough. Moving through them, might even result in earning some extra money fast enough to help with the bills if the other unpaid invoices remain unpaid longer.

It is one thing to know a thing, it is another to be able to do something about it.

There are times when we can see a problem in front of us, and we can’t avoid it at all. My memory sometimes goes back to the tidal waves around Fukushima that washed over the land. News choppers caught on camera people caught by those waves. They could see them coming, but they couldn’t always get to higher/ safer ground fast enough.

This is not one of those situations for me.

I have experienced that in the past and this is not one of those times. I am moving. I am getting things done. I am improving things.

My computer is slogging through the work (talking about my brain and myself not my actual computer).

it’s just a little bogged down and over heated with the anxiety from everything above.

I have written this and purposefully shared it to acknowledge the feelings and the experiences and the true stresses deriving from them.

This is simply Step 1. I am acknowledging the challenge, some might call it the shadow.

I can feel the shadow. I can know that I am walking through a shadow, under a cloud if you will. I can feel the difference in the temperature in the shadow.

I know that I am not the shadow. The feelings of anxiety, these are not me. They are not part of me.

I am simply feeling the shadow.

Step 2 is to reboot my mind. 

Now that I know what it is that is stuck in my processor and I have acknowledged the truth of the situation, it is safe to reboot my computer, let my processor cool down for a few minutes and then start it back up again.

For me, this means yoga.

I can run or walk and pause the processor. That itself is a type of relief from anxiety. It is not a full reboot.

I need the full reboot that yoga brings. Then I can tackle one thing at a time again. Currently, the anxiety is a bit higher because I am feeling and processing a little bit of everything all at once.

I can’t process everything all at once. This is not how I multi-task even.

I am going to leave off here. I am going to work through Step 2.

Then I am going to jump back into Step 3, and work through the things that I can do in the here and now.

I am always looking for better ways to do everything. This is just a glimpse into my current process. There is more to it than my 3 steps.  These just happen to be my next 3 steps and not all of the steps I use.

Regardless, I’m always interested in other ways to work through things. Ways I might improve or change things up to avoid letting things get stale. Love to hear your thoughts or even just hear a word of encouragement or a wish of good luck!

I would be grateful for any and all of those things.

Mindfully Moving Out Day!

Tomorrow, will mark the start of a new adventure. I am moving out of my digs, my first apartment as a single adult.

I lived here for about 13 months and made this place my home. Along the way, I enjoyed the company of neighbors above and around me.  The neighbors above me had some delightful children that trained relentlessly for the Olympic Pole Vaulting competition in 2032. They were succeeded by a different family with a wide range of children who were training for multiple Olympic years, primarily in wrestling and shot put.

Along the way, a stray cat named Snuffles might have saved my life. Her departure along with her four kittens also marked an epic battle to rid my place of fleas. This was exacerbated by my lack of understanding that humidity breeds fleas and removing humidity squashes fleas.

I have grieved in this apartment. I have found love while living here. Countless friends and family have helped me heal and recover and grow in more ways than I could have ever imagined. The healing and growth and recovery continue and friends and family keep surprising me with new ways of helping me along my journey.

My gratitude and ability to be grateful to find positivity again to find love and make myself happy… all these things have grown to levels I would have never thought possible when I moved into this place.

I stayed longer than I intended. My original goal was to find a house to rent after the first 6 months. As real estate trends go, it was not meant to be.

I found it more of a challenge to leave than I expected. I even felt a little ‘stuck’ while I was here.

That feeling of being stuck permeated through many layers of my being. Even while I was healing and recovering, there were aspects of my life that were not progressing ‘fast enough’. In retrospect, I was like a grumpy patient, stuck in a recovery ward for many good reasons, but I was anxious to leave as soon as possible and confounded in my attempts to do so.

That started changing and rapidly a couple weeks ago.

Things are opening up on many fronts now as the barriers, real or perceived or whatever seem to be rapidly falling down around me.

I am hopeful and excited and very grateful at how things are working out. I am happy that I had the time that I did. I am going to miss this place even as I know that I have grown past it already.

It served its purpose and served it very well.

I have purged hundreds of books and lots and lots of other things that served their purpose for me too.

Tomorrow, I will bring in a moving truck and load everything up to go. I will let this place go.

I will carry forward the good memories and even in some of the sad ones, I will be mindful of how this place helped me to heal.

I look forward to my future. At the moment, I’m walking through a door.  I am taking everything one step at a time.

I am not multi tasking anxiety in my mind.

I am doing one thing at a time. I bring my attention and focus to each of these one things.

I am doing a whole lot of ‘one things!’

This too marks an area of growth and improvement for me. In months and years and decades past, I would have happily taken on and enjoyed multitasking through the strategy and planning and doing of many things.

I would have multitasked through the anxiety as well.

This is something I leave behind in this apartment.

I will work hard to remember my lesson. I will work hard not to multitask anxiety. I will work hard to be in the moment and take one thing at a time. Plan when I need to plan, but not take on the anxiety.

I have learned over the last year as I shed my codependency, I have learned to trust that others will take care of and work their own shit.

This continues to serve me very well. It serves me well in my new relationship. It serves me even better as a father of a preteen and two teens. My children are coming to an age where they have either taken on their own shit or are working at doing so. Instead of being anxious for them, I am giving them the space they need to become self sufficient.

The funny thing is, I have also learned to trust myself again! I have learned to trust myself in the present. A year ago, I was in recovery from a broken heart and relationship. I was just starting then. I did not know when I might be able to trust my own judgment again.

Now, I do trust myself. Plus, I have learned to trust in my future self.

That last point is important. I trust that I will be able to take care of my own shit in the future.

This frees me from worrying about what I will do and focus on what I can or should do now.

For most of my life, I have benefited from confidence and the ability to back it up with results. I trusted in the ability to get results, but still worried through things.

Then, I was knocked down. I learned a great deal more from being knocked down.

Maybe the biggest lesson I have learned is how it feels to let go of the anxiety and set it aside and bring mindful focus to the present.

There will be some amazing things in my future and I am positive that this new skill of mine, will help me achieve.

 

 

Things That Make Your Skin Crawl, Ugly News, Bill Collectors, Trickling Beads Of Sweat Oh And Fleas!

Life has its challenges. We often solve our challenges the best we can in the moment, and pay for less than perfect solutions later. We attribute ‘wisdom’ to people, who find perfect solutions for both the ‘Now’ and their ‘Future’. This is essentially foresight.

Some people never live in the ‘Now’ but have a keen eye towards alleviating their pain in their ‘Future’. We often think of people like this as Stoics. For those that grew up on Disney movies, we might even remember the fable and cartoon of the grasshopper and the ant. The grasshopper plays all day while the ant stores away food underground. Unlike George R. R. Martin’s ‘Winter,’ the Grasshopper appears lazy and short-sighted. A white walker does not come for the Grasshopper, his own lack of planning does him in. While the ant is happy underground in an ant city with lots of food.

Some people are just one way and some are another. Some people, and I count myself in this next batch, take turns living in many roles, catching up on things we needed to do in the past, working on making our future easier or living in the Now. Occasionally, some of us can cover multiple things at once.

Over the last year, I lived in the ‘Now’ to survive. I could not focus on the past as that brought on depression stopping me in my tracks.

I could not focus on the past as that brought on depression stopping me in my tracks.  I could not focus on the future, as that brought on anxiety that would also stop me in my tracks.

I could not focus on the future, as that brought on anxiety that would also stop me in my tracks. Following the start of my divorce, my ability to make short-term decisions was terrible, medium term decisions were impossible and long-term decisions were so far-fetched, I would have had a better shot at finding a magic wand and turning myself into a rabbit.

Living in the ‘Now’ was the thing that saved me at the time. It is still the thing that keeps me happy.

I am learning (again) that when I live in the Now I have many choices. Some of those choices work for the Now and that is it. Some of those choices work for the Now and for the future.

One of my current goals is to find peace for myself and my emotions by living in the Now. Another of my goals is to be present with other people when I am around them. These are similar goals.

I have a lot of people in my life (and by choice). There are times when I need to find ways to be there for people even when they are not physically present. Cell phones and social media helps….

Snuffles’ Parting Gift

A couple of weeks ago, I shared an experience relating to a cat that helped save me this last year. I was not able to keep the cat named, Snuffles, permanently. I did keep her long enough to improve her health and help her raise some kittens. Then with the help of my daughter, Zoe, we found them all a permanent home together.

It broke my heart a little to let that cat go. She had been there for me when I was not fully prepared to be alone. Like a person learning to ride a bike for the first time, Snuffles was like the person that holds the bike seat and runs along with the new bicyclist keeping them from twisting the handlebars and doing a face plant in a barberry bush.

Taking in a stray cat and fostering her kittens, this was not the wisest nor most prudent thing to do for many many reasons. (Understatement!)

It was the right thing for me to do in the moment to not only survive the ‘Now’ but to help heal myself during that ‘Now’. If I went back in time, I would do it again.

Snuffles and her kittens named One, Two, and Three-Four and Four-or-Three, left me with a parting gift that I did not discover until about a week after they left.

That didn’t really become relevant until early this week, but let me back up before I explain….

Going Broke (Temporarily)

Starting about 2-3 weeks ago, right around the time that I found Snuffles and her kittens a forever home, I pretty much ran out of money. I did not go bankrupt. That is not a legal option for me. It wouldn’t do me any good either. Essentially, I can not go bankrupt.

I can run out of money and that is what happened. New business was not coming in, especially during the holidays when everyone was away on vacation and traveling.

My business as a freelance WordPress web developer and writer has always experienced slow periods during the summer.

[Just fielded a call from a client back from summer related activities and just about ready to get business started even more by hiring me to do more. Thank you!]


In the past, I would do my best in the spring to set aside money to see me through the end of August.  If there was a slow-down in business. I would then work to force myself to take time off during the summer a bit and do family things and to also use that time to work on my marketing efforts or business infrastructure.

This year, I was not able to set aside enough money during the spring. The demands of setting up a new household and a host of other expenses just didn’t let that happen.

 

[Just took another quick break to …]


So as business slowed to a halt and my cash flow out did not, I literally ran out of money and credit too for that matter.

I could see the slow down coming months ago. Last December I started looking for a job of any type. That effort continues to this day.

So far it has not resulted in a job offer nor a new source of more reliable income or supplementary income or anything. I keep looking. I keep applying to jobs. It is not easy as I have not had a hit on an application or resume in months.

Early last week after the fourth, a friend sent me a gift of money. It was $150 in cash and two gift cards for my kids.

This gift helped pay for groceries and gas. 🙂

It had an amazing impact on my efforts to turn things around. Since a week ago Tuesday or so, I redoubled all of my efforts on every front. I had not let up before that, but I have attacked things with a higher level of energy.

The gift gave me even more than money. It gave me the sense that I was not in this alone.


I knew already that I was not in this alone. I have had all types of support and help in many ways before and sense. That gift from a person that had seen very tough times and major life changes as well, helped me crystallize the positive intention of many many friends and family.

[Just took another quick break for reasons that I am getting to…]

I am setting up a top-to-bottom and bottom-to-top new way of marketing to, advertising to, connecting with and communicating with new clients in my business. I am looking at my resume and my ability to rapidly customize it for each slightly different job opportunity that crosses my radar.What I was doing was not working. I had to change it. I am changing it.

What I was doing was not working. I had to change it. I am changing it.

Snuffles’ Gift

Sometimes those decisions we make to keep ourselves alive and happy and in the moment, they trigger things in the future.Over the weekend

Over the weekend, I don’t recall exactly which day, I opened the door to my daughter’s room. My children had been gone for the last 2-3 weeks before that with their mother and her family on vacation in Florida. I used this time to work my butt off and to get things back on track before they returned. I didn’t get that done, but I made huge progress. I walked into their room and was attacked. I was wearing shorts and toe shoes as is my norm.

I hadn’t been in the room for a couple of weeks as I had been out-of-town working in the mountains and now was back.

Their room had turned into one big flea nest!

Snuffles and her kittens had left their gift. The door had been shut and the fleas did not spread to the rest of the place and I had not noticed they were there.That began the battle to rid the place of fleas!

That began the battle to rid the place of fleas! In addition to everything else, I have now treated their room with flea powder first, which had a big impact.

It was not enough.

The next day they were still there and my kids were coming the next night.I bought flea bombs and bombed the entire place. To do this type of thing, I had to move out lots of

I bought flea bombs and bombed the entire place. To do this type of thing, I had to move lots of pieces of furniture. I had to get all the bedding stripped off the beds. I had to put food and anything that would touch the skin in safe places before hand. The bomb had a big impact.

It was not enough.

I still had to clean everything, every surface of the apartment in all the rooms and bathrooms and kitchen and lots of dishes and utensils and laundry.

Yesterday, I got more flea bombs, a different brand and repeated the process.

While we wevacuated from the place, I was working at a friend’s house on business. My kids went to a local pool with my friend’s daughter. We had dinner with them. I came home and aired the place out and started the cleaning regime. It was about 98 degrees out and I had the windows open and vacuumed every square inch of the place and then started the wipe down.

It was hot!

This morning as I got up and walked through the place, I noticed they were still not all gone.

It was not enough.

So back to the store. I had done some more research and the bombs can do better with a week or so in between. Plus, it is not healthy for people to bomb too many times.

So this time around I’m turning to direct spray application stuff to hit the few places that are left.

The powder took out about 80% of the fleas in the bedroom. That 20% spread.

The bombs took out 80% of the 20%. The remaining 20% of that spread.

The next bombs took out by my estimates about 70% of the 20%. (Raid bombs did not seem to be as good as the Hart bombs, which were also 3x the price.)

This time, I bought some Black Flag spray. The remaining 20% of each of those iterations seem to be sparsely out and about in different areas. Whenever, I run across one somewhere, I spray a quick little area.

Tomorrow, I’m buying more flea powder too, but using it requires a two-hour seclusion from that area of the house and no air conditioning running in it.

I’m going to keep doing spot applications of spray and powder until the kids leave to see their Mom next Friday.

Then I’ll bomb the place again.

It is getting better, but every now and then one of the little buggers jumps on my leg and I walked it to the restroom and wash it down the sink.

Working My Ass off and the Fleas off my ass


I’m not a werewolf but if you watch or read recent popular tv shows or books about werewolves, they typically are a lot warmer than normal people. That’s me.I’m also a bit on the hairy side, especially my calves. My calves seem to attract the buggers, but my hide is too thick for them to bite.

I’m also a bit on the hairy side, especially my calves. My calves seem to attract the buggers, but my hide is too thick for them to bite.  This is a good thing, they jump on me, I pick them off and wash them away and they don’t go after my kids.

This is a good thing, they jump on me, I pick them off and wash them away and they don’t go after my kids.

This has been the backdrop for all of my work this week.

I’ve been writing and rebuilding and executing business plans, while vacuuming 3-4 times per day and bombing and powdering and coming and going in and out of my place.  Plus doing lots of pushups for the 22 Push Up challenge and feeding and cleaning and taking care of the kids and shopping for more and more supplies every day with money I don’t really have.

In addition to reworking everything about my business, I’m also now, walking flea paper!


Other things that make my skin crawl

On occasion, I venture outside to run errands for food, or flea stuff or whatever. The air conditioner in my car is still busted and it is 98 out. So as I venture out, sweat happens. I’ve noticed that occasionally, it will trickle down my calves and then I can’t tell if it is a flea or a sweat!

It is going to take me a week or two to get used to not itching after I have these pests whipped.
I think it is going to take me a long time before I ever rent or buy a place with carpet again and much, much longer before I take in a stray cat and kittens too. I might give a starving cat some food outside, but not bringing them in.

Snuffles was awesome and did a lot of good for me in the Now, but the future repercussions have not made life easier.

If I’m being honest, this flea situation does keep me hopping!

Epilogue – a few days later, or in the Now as I publish this thing…

I wrote this about 4-5 days before I could get around to publishing it.  Since then I have turned to more natural means of controlling the fleas and those methods are working better.

Out Of The Mud – Turning Things Around

Sometimes we run aground in life and today as I was walking across a bridge to a local park known as Goat Island, I could see a stick or log that had been there yesterday. The log that the stick was attached to had probably gotten stuck in the mud. The South Fork River flows very slowly here. It is man made mostly and doesn’t have a lot of natural flow and almost no current.

The stick had been there at least two days and without rain or some outside force could be there all summer.

Like the stick, I have been breaking free from the sediment of my old life that has held me in place. I can feel the mooring ropes slipping away left and right. I can feel the tug of the current of my life pulling me away. I have stayed true to my essence but flipped my perspective and personality. I have changed physically losing weight at first and then rebuilding my body through yoga and exercise and different foods. I have moved away from what I knew as my home. I’m creating new left and right.

I have found my writing and muse again after years of writer’s block. I am reawakening to my own career and business potential and looking to start new things there as well. (Back to that in a minute) I have found a new relationship and fallen in love with a wonderful woman who inspires me and motivates me to continue growing and healing and evolving. I have shed things from my life like diet soda and watching and reading too much news, a bad habit I picked up in the military and reinforced when I was in college. I watch less television in general, but still enjoy it in moderation. I try new things and explore new areas on a regular basis.

I am learning to let go of anxiety just as I learned to better manage light depression. My practice at not worrying about the future has prepared me well for this time in my life.

Things are turning around.

I’ve been working on rebuilding my business and improving it significantly the last few weeks. I have a long way to go, but I like the start and the opportunities I see. I am also looking for full or part time employment. I’m not picky and just looking for a bit of stability.

Over the last month, I’ve watched my bank account erode down to almost nothing.

Keeping it Real

My credit card is maxed or a $1 away.

My bank account hit $100 last night. (It’s bounced back up to about $300.)

That matters little.

I am a month behind on most of my small bills.

My rent is due in about 10 days.

Yesterday, I had to choose between paying my car payment, my student loan, my cell phone bill or my electric bill.

I chose my cell phone bill as that still is one source of business, especially when it comes to meetings and closing sales. The car payment is important but only a couple days delayed and there is a little relief in site for that to go next.

My health insurance has expired. I owe $160 on it, just to pay off a late payment. The policy is expired. I think my next stop is the VA or something if a job doesn’t solve this problem first.

It is summer time and in the 90’s every day. My air conditioner is bustimicated. I tried recharging it myself but that did not solve the problem. I think it is the clutch on the compressor and for my vehicle that probably means $800. 

I am calm. I am steady. Its not easy, but anxiety is not eating me alive.

I haven’t felt this low on cash since I was a teenager and at 14 when out and collected $20 for the St Jude Telethon with a coffee can and used the money for groceries for my family. The difference is that I was only 13 then and didn’t have a big picture view of the additional things I would need to do.

I’m working through a number of great opportunities. This is the rub. The educated side of my brain tells me that for an addicted gambler a near miss is a win.

I’m not looking at lots of near misses as much as I’m looking at a roulette wheel that is moving in slow motion and won’t quite stop and has been coming to a stop on some number for weeks if not months.

I will be ok.

Things are turning around. I have had three good days in business. Today is looking positive as well. I took this quick break to walk to the park, to do some pullups, dips, and vertical crunches.  

I don’t have health insurance. I need to keep up my health!

Ialso had to stop by the Post Office that keeps odd new reduced hours making it difficult to get in there. I have had a package to pick up there for several days.

I did not order anything. No one shipped me anything that I know of. I’m hoping I’m not going to sign for something that is less than positive. 🙂

But I’m not running or shying away from my challenges either.

I’m sitting at a picnic table in the shade. A dry short log is floating down the same stream. In my mind, I can envision it drifting another 50 meters and striking the log that I first noticed, the one that was stuck. I can picture this new log breaking the old log loose. Maybe the old log will even hook out in a log kind of way and grab on and get moving again with the help of the floating, moving log.

That’s me. I’m working to get unstuck. I’m being mindful and aware of everything going on around me. I’m looking for the opportunity to break free and move on down stream.

One of the applications I submitted this week was viewed by three different people in the same company. That’s the most job activity I’ve had in a couple months. I had a mess of interviews last spring. Several went the distance with 3 and 4 interviews with different people in the company. None of those companies have yet to hire anyone!

They might circle around to me if a budget opens up with their third quarter or someone decides to make things happen.

That would be great, but I’m not looking to wait for a lottery moment, I’m not looking for the near miss and thinking of it as a win.

I’m making other things happen with my own business. Its odd. It has never earned me a great deal of money. It has always been reliable. Its been job security. It is a consulting type of thing and I have had feast and famine experiences in the past.

This is not the first time.

This go around though I’m making some fundamental changes to make my business more scalable and rely on myself as the sole driver of things in the business less.

I am doing what I have done in every regular job I have ever worked in… I am working to automate my job, my business in my job to free me up for more things.
Maybe more things will be even more business. Maybe more things will be a full time job or a part time job or 8 part time jobs.

I mentioned my new relationship earlier. I’m working with my girlfriend to design what might become an online school or a series of courses or books or all of the above. I am very excited about this for many reasons. It points to potential opportunities both with my relationship with her but also with both of our shifting careers and lives.

I’ve worked alone running my own business for 10 years now. I have had partners in many different ways off and on through that but they were all arms length.

I’m looking to work more closely and collaboratively with people during this new stint. It’s not a new experience for me, just a change and maybe one to help me get my momentum started up again!

Where ever you are, I hope you are doing good things for yourself, and finding a way to nurse and build your own momentum along and go out and do amazing things. 

That’s what I am doing and I hope you will join me in making today a great day!


I stopped by the post office and picked up the package. It was a free razor. I have been shaving with the same blade the last two months as refills cost $25. I had other priorities and aconfortable shave was not one of them.

Still it will feel good to shave with something that doesn’t feel like sand paper. Things ARE turning around.

Grief Feeding Anxiety & Depression Feeding Life Sabotage

Its late in the morning on Sunday. I’m sitting on my porch after a rainy night, a rainy week. The sun is out and its windy, but not yet warm. The sun and the wind are blowing away the last of the rainy weather in preparation to start up the pre-Memorial Day weekend roaster.
I’m feeling …. Too much this morning, but none of it heavily. I’m feeling a bit depressed, a bit anxious. I’m feeling a bit depressed looking back at the past of a long marriage that ended just over a year ago. I’ve had lots of reminders of this the last week, many interactions with my ex-wife, the mother of my children. These were positive interactions and some of the best examples of our potential to be co-parents in the future. This is something that I want, but it does not come quickly nor easily.
We do not get training in life in how to be a good divorced coparent. Some people, I hesitate to call them lucky, might have been able to see their own parents become good coparents and set an example. Even when this happens no one wants this for their future, because that infers that we have to get married and then get divorced and then become good coparents.For what its worth, I do think there is a big difference between being ‘coparents’ verses being ‘divorced parents’. In my mind, coparents work together to raise their kids. Divorced parents in my mind are single parents that individually take care of their children, sometimes alternating and sometimes negotiating or through lawyers organize some things. 

The difference I suppose is working together for the good of the children verses working individually or working together out of forced legal obligation.

The Conscious Uncoupling movement offers up a way to help make coparenting and ending relationships more positive and more healthy for everyone involved, but its very new and through the ever snarky media has been much maligned without any actual critical evaluation of what is involved.

Today, this morning for myself, I have not gone through a conscious uncoupling experience. I’m doing my best to try and move from being a divorced single parent to a coparent someday.

As I started going through the detachment from my ex-spouse, whom I still loved, I worked to detach with love. I was codependent and didn’t realize it until after we decided to divorce, but I did need to detach for my own health and well being. 

I did not want to detach using anger to fuel my break away from her. I did not feel that would serve me well and I definitely did not feel that it would serve my children. I did not feel that it would be healthy for them to see their father go through a process of ‘hating’ their mother. I do not hate their mother. I never have. I never will. She is a wonderful person. She is not perfect, but I have never dwelled on her negatives. We all have our negatives. I am no where near perfect. 

I do not think I am very bad either. I like myself. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with where I am going. I am happy with how I am getting there. To use a rock climbing analogy I feel like I am part way up a mountain, climbing up a cliff at the moment. A year ago as I climbed, I suffered a bad fall and injured myself. I am still healing from that and part of that healing involves the fear of the fall or the event itself. But I am on this cliff now, climbing and when I look back that takes my focus away from the handholds I need to maintain now. I can see this cliff that I dangle from is very difficult, but I can also see another section higher up that is inverted and even more difficult!  

My past fall and the setback it caused, represents my occasional depression. Some of that depression is something I am feeling this morning. As I dangle from my handhold now and wonder whether I can keep hanging on and move further up, this represents a piece of my anxiety about my future. Will I slip and fall?

As I look to the inverted ledge that I have to navigate in my future, that too adds to my anxiety about the future. 

Will I be able to do something even more difficult than what I have already done?

Sabotage

I need to do some basic things today. I need to do some work. I need to move myself up and forward. I have no time to reflect and dwell on the past and feed my depression. I have no time to be distracted by my anxiety over what might happen in the future.

Yet, these are real feelings. They are in touch with real pain that I have. Shutting this pain and these feelings out is a mistake as well. If I attempt to simply block them, this is the seed of a problem… I’ve done this before, ignoring this type of pain and it came back to bite me in the form of divorce.

We have to deal with these feelings and emotions and pain. Otherwise when we are trying to live, these things might creep up on us and surprise us and cause us to slip or trip or fall very hard right when we needed to move safely.

So that’s what I am doing right now. I’m raising this up in my consciousness. I’m dealing with it in part by writing about it. I’m chasing away my inner storm by casting light on it with my inner sunshine just as the sun outside is burning off the storm clouds from last night. Each breath I take and each word I write helps to blow the remaining clouds even further away.

I am working through the grief cycle. Its been over a year since this started for me. The grief cycle takes as long as it takes. I was married and in love for twenty three years. It might take me twenty three years to fully put all this grief behind me. It might take twenty three more days, or twenty three months or however long it takes. In the meantime, this does not stop me from living, from moving on.

I fell in love again this last winter. I did not stop loving my ex-wife, but that relationship was not my love. The relationship burned up over night (from my perspective) but the love did not. I fell in love this winter with a new person in my life named Sharon. We have been building a new relationship with each other every since. 

I view these two relationships of mine like growing a forest. In the first case, I grew a beautiful forest for twenty-three years. It burned down in a forest fire and there are only smoldering remains of tree stumps left.

Near that forest, I am growing a new forest with Sharon. It is full of beautiful new growth, new trees and plants and is full of light and good things. 

The two forests exist near each other in my heart. I can even look upon both at the same time. I can love the beauty of the old forest before it burned and the grief of that destruction for what was lost will be with me for a long long time. I can love the beauty of the new forest and the hope that it represents and the beauty of all the good it offers in the present.

Getting Through the Day

Each day I work through these feelings. Somedays I have to work through them more than others. Some days I am so busy as a single parent that I can barely focus on putting my shoes on and other days I the emotions or feelings build up to the point where I have no choice but to confront them, to work through them and deal with them. I have to raise them up and take them on and clean the wounds and dress the wounds and allow them to heal. I have to work my soul through physical therapy, through psychic therapy. It takes effort.

In the meantime, I also have to rebuild my life around me. That is what I have to do next. I have work to do for my clients. I have work to do on my business as a WordPress Consultant and Web Presentation Architect and as a Writer. I have work to do on my household and with my family, with my children and parents and brother and my wonderful friends and clients, all of which are part of the family that I am growing in yet another forest in my heart.

I can only do one of these things at a time. I can gaze out from my cliff at the vast collections of forest around me, all the relationships. I can walk through those forests and care for them pruning and weeding and watering and growing them each.

I can rarely work on them all at the same time, but I can care for them. I do care for them.

Writing this warms my heart, just as the sun is finally starting to rise to a point where its rays now touch my skin, starting to warm my shoulder and back. In the reflection of my iPad I can see the wind chimes that my son purchased for me for my birthday. I am reminded that his language of love is spoke with gifts. My language of love is spoken by doing things together. I need to remember to consciously speak his language of love back to him. This is part of the way that I can help care for this section of forest.

So many forests to care for. So much life sustaining beauty and purpose that can be added to my life when I do these things well….

I breath in deeply and out again, blowing away more of the minor depression and anxiety whisps that were in my system when I first put my fingertips to my keyboard. I feel infinitely better. I’m ready to move higher up this cliff as I reach for another handhold and lock my fingers on it.

This is going to be a very good day. I’m going to make it a very good day. I trust that you will make your own day very good and care for the forests in your own heart!

🙂

Appacalypse Fanless – Making Great Days through Grounding in Beauty

Morning!

Morning is my lowest point of the day. I know this about myself. I do my best to recognize this and flip it. I am always aware that mornings will be my lowest point. I am operating at my best when I can be aware enough to be like Bruce Lee and let the low point wash on past me, be like water. Short of that, I resort to force and try to flip the low point with some kind of mental judo move. 🙂


This morning I wake to look at my ceiling. It does not have a ceiling fan, but reminds me of the Apocalypse Now scene with Martin Sheen lying on a bed looking up at a ceiling fan. Its the anxiety for the day to come mixed with the challenges left over from yesterday, the stresses of yesteryear shackling my mind, that make the scene powerful. He is entirely in his own head, battling demons.

That’s me in the morning. I do not wake up fast. I tend to linger in bed. Linger is the root word for malinger, or at least I think it is. My body isn’t totally ready to move yet so that leaves my brain with nothing better to do. I scroll through Facebook too many times. I know that Facebook scrolling is something that depresses everyone.

I know better. I know that the best way to prevent Facebook induced depression is to communicate with people on Facebook. I do not mean pressing a like button or some other emoji, I mean writing actual words that mean something and connect with people putting something out on Facebook.

Today, I didn’t follow my own best practice. Not yet at least.

I stared at the ceiling. I checked my bank balances electronically again. My payments deposited into my bank have not yet cleared. I have a deceptive $923 in one of my accounts, but I wrote a check for $910 three days ago to pay my rent so that I can have a ceiling to stare at. That check has not cleared yet either and I cannot spend that money gambling that my incoming funds will clear in time to replenish it before my own check comes through. I do not play bouncing games with checks.

🙂

Its chilly in my apartment. It got down to around 50 last night, maybe a little lower even. I did not turn the heat on, being frugal even though the electric bill is paid and it wouldn’t matter.

This too pushed me to remain under the covers, huddling a bit.

That was then, fifteen minutes ago. But things are starting to change. I’m now sitting up in bed, writing my demons out. Its helping already. 

I’m sitting halfway under the covers with my legs crossed. I’m letting the cool morning air wash over me like floating in a cool lake on a hot day. I’m starting to breath.

I have a lot of demons from this day a year ago. This was the day a year ago that I learned my marriage was over and that my wife had stopped loving me. The day before this day a year ago, I shifted and my universe had changed but I had not entirely realized that a year and a day ago. It wasn’t until this day, that I started to learn of the differences in my new universe.

Back to the present a year later, and my ex-wife is running a race with in town. My youngest daughter is running the same race separately. This would have been a family event in the past. A year ago, it was a family event, except two members of the family knew that we were no longer a family. We hadn’t told the kids yet. I was still in shock…

Weird how our brains time travel like that. I was in the present and slipped back again. This is the nature of my fight in the morning.

As I go through the day and start making things happen, I get better grounded in the present.

My next step is to wrap up this mental judo via writing and get some quick running clothes of my own on. I need to hit the local streets and trails a bit. I need to go find beauty.


When I run, I look for the most beautiful plant or tree or imagery I can find. I look in the distance for these things and seek them out with my eyes. When I find something I run with my eyes locked on the beautiful thing. I love it, literally and soak in the feeling. As I pass it, I re-scan and find something else and repeat the process over and over again for miles.


When I finish my run, hopefully it will be a little warmer. Right now it is about 63 degrees, which is perfect for a run. But at the end of the run, I’m hoping the sun will be out so that I can peal off my shoes and socks and walk partway back barefoot. This too is grounding, literally. I’ll let my barefeet soak in the sunny warmth from the pavement. Some people feel that we pick up free electrons from the sun, from the universe that have literally hit the earth. Walking barefoot after a run does feel like a foot massage or stretch as it forces our feet and muscles in our feet to work in ways that shoes do not let them move.
I run in toe shoes. These allow my own feet even more movement than normal shoes. But they are still shoes and not nearly as good for my feet as going barefoot.

So I’m hoping it is just a little warmer by the time I finish my run, so that my foot massage will be a warm foot massage.
This will feel wonderful and will help me reclaim the start of this day even more. I’ll walk back from a warm feeling black topped sub division I intend to end my run in, back through a park called Goat Island, across the bridge to the island on one side and across the second bridge leaving the island that leads to the down town that I live next to. Its a small town of just a few thousand people.  

I’ll need to put my shoes on for the last stretch home as someone broke a bottle on the sidewalk a week back or so and there are still some glass shards there.

I think today, I’ll stop along the way back and pick some of those up. I’ve thought about that a few times as I walked the same sidewalk the last couple days, but wasn’t quite mindful enough to turn that daydream into reality. I wasn’t quite grounded enough to make my new universe just a little better.

But today I will be. Today, I will make my universe I call home better. I will make this present day a great one. A year ago today, I will awaken to memories of a the great day I made for myself today. I will see beautiful pictures of this day offered up by Facebook when I scroll too much that morning. I’ll remember how I made do with a day that started with small money problems and then got sooooo much better.

A year from today, I will have amplified my love for myself and given myself this gift. 

Today, I give myself the gift of an amazing day, one filled with beauty and connections with wonderful friends and people I love. The gift of this beautifully present day will reward me today, and reward me in the future. Funny how being present today can help ward off anxiety tomorrow….

So time to swim out of bed through the chill, eat a banana and hydrate quickly as I get ready to stretch my legs and run. I’m going to make this day beautiful and hope you find your own energy, your own grounding mechanisms to join me and do the same for yourself today and your future self too!

Make a Great Day!



Addendum

While I was running, I momentarily remembered to set my vision on what my bank account would look like after my deposit cleared and how it would feel to know, I had things covered again.

After getting home and while starting a load of laundry before showering, I refreshed Mint and checked my balance.

It was there! It felt just as I had envisioned it.

Cheers!

‘Letting Go’ Is Not Giving Up

I took a deep breath as I walked back in the door. I just returned from the Post Office.I have a PO Box there that I have had for about 8 years for business correspondence for my web development and consulting company. I’m living (temporarily) in an apartment these last 6 months and do not have the majority of my mail routed through the mail box that comes with the apartment. I don’t really want junk mail going to the apartment in perpetuity after I move.


My PO Box was empty. It has been a trying month. Larger payments have not been forthcoming.Work has been plentiful. Still its not easy to keep oneself motivated with a rapidly depleting bank account.

I’ve got lots of work to do this afternoon and this evening. 

I am grateful for that. I need the work.

All the way back, its about a quarter mile walk there and another quarter mile back, I was working through feeling the thought that I needed to let go of the things I cannot control.

I can’t control speeding along a check to be cut, nor delivered. Today, was probably the last day, I could hope to get it turned around and deposited in time to pay my rent on time.

So now I have a new challenge to deal with. My receivables are large enough to pay my outstanding bills, some of which are past due. But I can’t write checks on receivables.

As I worked to ‘feel’ the need to let go, I kept feeling the guilt that comes with the sense of ‘giving up’. This is an irrational feeling. I am not giving up. Letting go and giving up are two different things.

I’ve been working through a number of things to fix and improve things. They have not proved to be enough to head off my current challenges, but they will make life better in the future.

I’m going to have to find a way to let go of the current situation that I cannot control any longer. I’m doing that without the guilt of feelings about giving up.

That guilt will not help me get things done. It will not help me stay positive and do positive things for myself, my family and my clients. I write this to help close the deal on this mental cleanse. I need to put voice to this feeling and lock it up so that I can take these temporary but recurring feelings and dump the negatives and lock the positive ones into my future.


I took a quick break to write this up while sitting on my porch enjoying the breeze and the warm, but not yet hot sun and the blooming Hibiscus that I picked up for $9 a few days ago. Keeping it real, I have $110 in my bank account. 


I am not a fake it until you make it person. That balance is going to be significantly larger soon, but at the moment it is not. Its just money and I know how to make more of it.

So its time to do some of that, and get some things moving. Break is over, business partners are pinging me with deliverables that I have been awaiting since last evening. 

 Time to make some donuts and make a great day!

I hope you are able to get past your own challenges and let go of the things you cannot control, not just let go, but do so without guilt and stress and know that you can make improvements in your present and your future. The anxiety stemming from things that we cannot control adds no value.

I’m with you in spirit. Let’s go make some great things happen. Let go and live. Let go and make good things happen. Let’s go finish an amazing day. Let go and enjoy an even better weekend. 

Now!