It’s been less than two weeks since my father passed away suddenly, unexpectedly. I have run through the grief cycle with emotions. For about the last twenty four hours, I’ve been hovering in and out of a general feeling of sadness and depression.
Intellectually, I know that I need to feel what I need to feel. I know that I’m going to touch base with all the feels eventually as I go through the grief cycle. Knowing this isn’t making the current step of grief any easier.
I’m feeling very impatient about feeling depressed.
I do not have time for depression. Generally, I cope with anxiety on a regular basis. That’s tera firma for me. I stress about the future and I’m hopeful that I’ll work through it and figure it out.
The depression that caught up with me yesterday started after looking at a pile of pictures. We’d put together a few picture boards for the viewing last week. I was sorting through them, some mine and some belonging to other members of my family. I snapped pictures of pictures (using my iphone) to get copies of some of the pictures I did not have.
When we put the picture boards together, I was concerned we wouldn’t find enough happy, smiling pictures of my Dad.
I was pleasantly surprised that we found a lot of them. It made me happy at the time.
Then yesterday as I was getting copies of these pictures, it struck me that he looked very happy and at the same time was no longer here with us.
I hit a bit of over load with the whole thing and had to move into self care mode. I took a nap, woke up, practice yoga, then went for a run, ate some healthy food, spent some time with his dog (big fluffy dog named Diesel), watched some Mozart in the Jungle with my Mom.
I got a good night of sleep (quantity about 8 hours, with multiple times when I woke up and went back to sleep.)
Today, I got a number of things done, and then around 4pm needed another nap.
The depression I’m feeling is spurred on by my father’s passing, but it’s all wrapped up in my own personal, current crap.
Just before he passed, a number of good things were coming together for me. I was finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
That hasn’t changed, but my feelings about how well that is or isn’t working out feels depressed today.
It’s just a feeling.
I can take a step back and intellectually see that things are still looking up. But the feeling is sucking a little wind out of my sails.
I’m writing this, sharing it as I need to exorcise these thoughts. I do not have time to be stuck in a depressed stage of the grief cycle right now.
I may need to feel the feels, but I need to survive as well. Some of this is going to have to wait to be felt a different day. I’m well aware of this risk. Not working through emotions in the present usually leads to a bit of festering of emotions.
I simply don’t have the space to eat the entire whale of grief right now. I have a few too many other challenges that have to be dealt with or else, the whale of grief will be even more difficult.
So that’s where I am today. Speaking some of my pain and depression, trying to unload a bit of it, get it out of my system, air the laundry of my mind, take a bite of the grief cycle and swallow it. So that I can move forward a bit further, solve more problems and go from there.