Dragging the upside down rake through wet grass, I realized after ten steps that my attempts to ‘dry the grass faster’ was a symptom of my impatience.
I really wanted to mow the grass. I needed to mow the grass. I needed to move. I needed to imprint lines on the world. I needed to create order in the chaos. I needed to hear the low roar hum of the motor calming my nerves. I needed to create momentum that could be transferred into my other projects and goals.
I needed to make things happen.
Despite my realization, despite my recognition that dragging the rake across rainy, dewy grass blades to knock the droplets to the squishy sod below might speed the airing process up a bit, it would not help much. It would not help enough.
The backyard literally had 1-2 inches of standing water in low spots.
My efforts were not going to assist the breeze nor the petulant sun hiding behind the mostly cloudy sky.
I knew I could mow the grass even when it was wet. I could do the extra clean up on the mower deck and bag. I could even sharpen the blades after dulling them a bit in the water.
My shoes couldn’t get any wetter either. My feet were already soaked from my rake work!
After walking two rows in the grass, I had decided a few things already…
- I would finish this silly task.
- This task was a lesson in awareness for myself, a type of meditation.
- I would write about this awareness. I did not need to share this epiphany of the asinine. Many people would understand immediately that drying their yard with a rake was an effort of futility! I would write about it to better understand what in the hell I was thinking, understand better where I was and understand better where I really needed to go.
It sure wasn’t back & forth in the wet grass towing a rake!
I realized I was impatiently waiting for life to happen (more).
I’m at the cusp of some important changes in my life. I’m preparing to move into a new place at the end of this month(lease not signed yet).
I’m preparing to move in with my girlfriend. We have been seeing each other in a distance relationship for almost 19 months (will be almost 20 by the time we move in together.)
I am working in some different areas this year, returning to areas of expertise that I moved away from about 5 years ago(I shifted from Content Optimization & SEO work to full time WordPress web development when the industry shifted.) I’m shifting back as the industry shifts again.
I am rebuilding, strengthening my finances. I am not ready to buy a house yet for many reasons, but things are improving.
I am ready for portions of my life to simplify so that I can apply more focus to other areas(I have been living back and forth from the Charlotte area to Boone every other week or so for the last 7 months to a year.)
Today is Friday. I took Tuesday off on the Fourth of July, but it had been quite a number of days since my last day off. (I do not remember how many.) So even though I had a day off 3-4 days ago, I’m feeling a bit depleted. (I am not alone, just acknowledging where I am.) 🙂
Mowing grass, rejuvenates me. I perform a great deal of my work on a laptop. Often times, I can witness very tangible results from my work.
Sometimes as I’m working more than one project at a time, surfing from one area of opportunity to make progress to the next, awaiting things from clients or partners to send me the next ‘wave’ to surf and accomplish something, I can’t always see the forward progress. So mowing grass, allows me to see a tangible result every time. (I need this even though I have seen some very tangible results with clients this week, SEO results that are leaping forward, problems being solved, user experience improvements and much more.) Still, I’m thirsting for more tangibility.
I am impatient.
This led me to attempt to dry the grass with a rake. It makes me chuckle and smile as I write this.
I read Dr Wayne Dyer’s book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life a bit almost every day. It’s an interpretation of the Tao by Lao Tzu.
I recognize that I am not following the path of the Tao and letting things be at the moment. I recognize these feelings and impulses.
I am not judging myself or my choices or actions. I am just stepping aside and witnessing where I am this morning.
Letting Things Happen
As I step back, I can see that my time would be much more effectively spent if I let the sun, let the wind, let the grass, let them all be.
There is nothing to be ‘gained’ and no benefit that come to me from trying to speed this process up.
Yet, I do benefit from the self realization of where my feelings are guiding me this morning. They are pointing me in the direction of seeking tangible results, or tangible anything.
I need to finish, complete, solve, close, and be done with several things.
I need to evaluate those results and assess and understand what I did well and what I might improve upon in the future should I attempt something, anything similar again.
Adding another task to my list is not helping in this. Adding another task that is not even ready to be done, is definitely not helping.
Writing this, reflecting on where I am, experiencing the wet, soggy socks and grassy epiphany with the rake, that did help.
I might not even mow the grass today and that’s ok!
I can step back now as I have improved my focus on what I really need. The grass and my desire to mow it, that was a symptom of an impatient feeling.
I felt like I needed to ‘force’ something to happen. I felt like I needed to make something happen.
As it turns out, the need or desire to force it, those were really sign posts that I failed to notice.
Recognizing the wrong time to do something
My feeling a need to force something to happen was an indicator that I was doing something out of order.
I now see that pushing it, trying to force a thing before it is ready to be done, that is simply choosing to live out of balance. (judgmental thought that)
I now see with more clarity that when I felt the need to mow the grass at the wrong time, before it was ready, sure I could make it happen, but I’m going against what is good for me and my future when I do that.
- I need to let those things go.
- I need to practice more patience.
- I need to let the things happen that are happening.
- I need to let the things happen that need to happen next.
Stretching for a Chainsaw analogy
If I were headed out into the woods with a few chainsaws to cut up a tree that had fallen down to create firewood for the winter, I wouldn’t need to teach myself how to juggle running chainsaws while I hiked.
Maybe I could learn to juggle chainsaws,(probably not) but what would the point to such an exercise be?
Addendum After the fact
These musings were interrupted by life happening. A client called with a couple questions and new things that will allow me to surf a bit more today.
Following that call, the sun came out and it was too irresistible for me to wait. I mowed some of the sunnier sections of the yard. (It felt good!) My girlfriend’s landlord is coming in a couple hours to take pictures of her old place (where I am today) and I was hopeful that mowing the grass would give the place a little more curb appeal. Doing this gives me no direct benefit and that is totally OK. Sometimes life is just about the little things, helping to make things better where ever we are, when ever we are (as I write this a humming bird is pollinating some Dallias.(Got a pic of it on some purple flower’s whose name I do not know.)
I also got some very good news about a place we might rent for our new home. The owner texted me to confirm our appointment and offer a lower rent per month as well.
I was letting things happen, and life was doing me good.
This client (my father) offers lawn care in Peoria Illinois. He does a lot more than that maintaining large commercial accounts for lawn care, snow removal, tree removal, cleanup projects of hoarders and abandoned or foreclosed properties too. I am very proud of him for creating and growing his business and love supporting him on the web side of things. The site is currently halfway through some changes in direction and focus. We’re gathering new images to use on the site and moving from a less personal, generic stock photo kind of images, to more images of projects that they are currently working on…(We have pictures from the last ten years, but coaching my father in taking pictures from 800 miles away and getting them to me in something I can use on a website has proven to be challenging! The images we have now are mostly my own attempts (I’m no photographer) and unfortunately the day we had scheduled had weather challenges that did not help!… That’s all a story for another day!