#Disclaimer this article was written in the past, schedule for a later date, and then turned loose.
Publishing it eventually served a helpful purpose for me, but it probably does not reflect how I am now. It does illustrate how I got here for better or worse, and hopefully shares either helpful examples for others, or illustrative examples for others of how not to do it. I thank you for witnessing my evolution and any helpful reflections you might choose to share.
This might be one of those headlines that says all that really needs to be said, but that’s not why I wrote it. That’s not what this article is for…ergo the title is not to describe the article or summarize it nor give it a main topic or thesis.
It’s only purpose in this case is to spike an iron rod deep into the ground so that I have something to anchor myself, something to ground myself.
I am exactly what the title says, or at least I was at the moment when I wrote it.
That was about four run on sentences earlier in my life.
That was before I spiked the ground.
I still haven’t let go.
As I glance across the room I am sleeping in, I see a littered path of post it notes stuck to the wall. Earlier in the day, I was trying to raise my energy and recover from a long energy sucking day the day before. I had managed to get just over 8 hours of sleep. Despite that I was woken prematurely by a dog barking at a stranger at the door. ( I never saw the stranger as they left before I could get out of bed, dress and open the door. I may never know who was there.)
I probably needed at least 30-60 minutes more sleep.
I haven’t been sleeping very well the last few weeks, not nearly enough. Last night was the most sleep I have had in quite some time, and it was cut short.
So when I did get up, it took me about 2 hours to really wake up. I was awake and functioning and making breakfast for myself and the kids, working, getting cleaned up, consuming small amounts of caffeine (against doctor’s orders).
But I was so far away from being primed for action.
After breakfast, my kids and I eventually brainstormed some things to do for father’s day. (this is being published long after that, another type of grounding rod, a delayed something or other as the heat is too great to publish on time these days.)
I have felt pressure to find something fun for them to do for Father’s day weekend. It’s been bothering me all week and distracting me a bit.
I was hoping to put that demon down and figure something out. My girlfriend had sent me a couple suggestions. I shared some of those with the kids, and they went to town thinking of lots more. I added some in as well, spurred on my groupon.
By the end of the day we had two lists:
- Inside activities as it might rain.
- Outside activities if it does not rain.
Bowling is high on my list for inside. No idea why. Its something I enjoy about once or twice a year.
In general, I feel like I can’t afford it, not the money nor the time. But it takes mental focus, and the surroundings in a bowling alley and the shoes on my feet, they are almost always surreal and distracting and help me forget about most of my challenges for a bit.
It’s an escape. It’s an escape during which I can be present with my kids and have fun.
I have other escapes, like reading books, but that is an isolating experience mostly. Sometimes it gives me interesting new ideas to talk about with people and family, but generally it is an escape from challenges and people.
Bowling is an escape from challenges but not people nor family.
Or at least, that’s what I was feeling as I wrote the previous sentence.
Where am I going with all of this?
That’s the thing, I keep doing things to make forward progress. I keep trying to improve things. At a minimum I am preventing things from slipping or getting worse.
Yet for all the catastrophes I avoid and for all the progress I make, I am struggling (tonight while depleted) to figure out what I can show for it.
I need a life coach.
I can’t afford a life coach at the moment.
I need a counselor too.
I can probably afford a counselor.
I’m encountering some head game problems. For movie fans, think Tin Cup. I am perfectly and totally capable of many things.
Yet, I can barely hit the ball straight let alone hit it in the hole. (I never golf, never.)
I self medicate with caffeine.
It is both insufficient and the side effects of caffeine are making life challenging in ways I don’t need either.
I need to find some new approaches. I need to ground out some of the negative energy that is passing through me faster and more effectively.
I need time.
I have so many incomplete projects, small, medium, large projects. Financial problems and obligations to others (family, friends, clients, partners) currently have me twisted up such that I am barely able to get more than 1-2 hours of focus time on each thing.
I am prioritizing based on what is behind the most currently. Then I apply a couple hours of work to it, bandaids or inches of progress bore different obligations reach out and pull me out and into something else.
I am balancing in many, many different things.
I am over-balanced. I am spinning far too many plates.
It is eight minutes after midnight. I am hopeful of getting enough sleep tonight.
It is time to undeplete.