I am sitting here at the moment kicking and churning through some wait induced anxiety. I only fully started to recognize the feeling for what it was (anxiety that is) as it slowly, ever so slowly, increased to the point where I stopped doing…
My first inclination was to take a walk or practice some yoga. Instead, I held back. I will still do this, but thought it might be more useful to let myself feel what I need to feel in this moment.
I’m not choosing to soak in the anxiety and let it permeate into every pore and take over.
I’m doing what I do, and working through the feeling. There’s more there than just anxiety itself. There are drivers and causes and triggers and all sorts of clutter in my mind. I can zero those out, reboot my mental computer and start fresh.
This will be healthy.
I can also quickly delve into what those drivers and causes and triggers and other clutter, I can look and see what is there. I can better understand what process it is that started spinning a strange loop in my head until my cerebral processor got stuck there and the anxiety meter started to increase.
This writing will serve exactly that introspective purpose. Then I’ll practice yoga. 🙂
So what is going on with me?
Unlike, my laptop, I can’t pop open a screen and see which processes are running and which ones are not responding.
I can reach down deep and identify the feeling in my mind and in my gut.
At the moment, I am having one of those gut level feelings combined with lots of thoughts in my head.
Science has discovered that we next to our brains, our guts have the second most neurons in our bodies. A gut feeling is not just a feeling, it is neurons in our gut firing and doing something useful for us.
At a high level, I have
three four external events that are contributing to my anxiety. These are the external pressures that are cooking up the thoughts in my instant pot mind.
- Waiting to hear about a potential new job
- Bills coming due
- Unpaid invoices in the wind
- My To Do list for this week including multiple projects
The item at the top of the list is the 800lb gorilla of this batch of items.
Backstory on the job I did not get
Late last year and into the beginning of this year, I applied for a great job with a great company. I went through multiple interviews, and at the end of it I was one of two people considered for the position. The other person got the job. I am not aware of the other person’s qualifications nor how they stack up against my own. I am not aware of how they did in interviews compared to how I performed.
I do know just one thing. They were able to live and work locally for the job whereas I would have been a remote employee.
Fast Forward to Today – Back in the running
I wanted that job then. I would have been good at that job.
Two weeks ago, I noticed that a very similar job had been reposted on the company’s website. I reached out to the HR Manager.
Then a few days later, I noticed that a different job, had also posted. It was different but something that I was also qualified to do as well. I reached out to the HR Manager again. I had not received a reply from the first inquiry.
Then a couple days later, the headhunter that had first put me in touch with the company last year, contacted me to see if I was interested in the first job.
I was. I said so.
As it turns out, the original person that did get the job had not worked out. I do not know the reasons. They are mostly none of my business.
I am curious if the company might have learned something about their needs or requirements, maybe something that I could help with more. Or maybe something that would be good to know so as to avoid ‘not working out’ in the future…
Two days ago, I heard back from the HR Manager. It was a quick note to let me know they were looking into things.
From the head hunter, I got the impression that they were attempting to figure out what they should do, such as:
- Did they need to take a new pool of candidates?
- Did they need to interview them all?
- Would the need to interview me again?
- Could they just send me an offer?
- Maybe a bunch of other stuff too.
I have been a hiring manager many times in my past careers. Sometimes, I have had to start over and collect a new pool of candidates. Other times, I just went from the person on the top of the list, to the next person on the list.
I am hopeful that they will simply go to the next person on the list, me.
I am tired of waiting.
This is one of the feelings that I am working through. I am an extremely patient person. Still, I can feel the need to get things moving too.
Right now, I feel the need to see things flow. I feel the need to ‘know’ what is going to happen next and get busy making that happen.
Those other three things
The next two things are tied together. I have bills to pay. I have outstanding invoices that have not been paid. I need the outstanding invoices to be paid so that I can pay the bills. I have not heard from the people I sent the invoices to in several days. One is out of the office on vacation. The invoice might have been processed before the departure, or maybe not. I have little visibility to whether or not the invoice will be paid sooner or later.
This is a yin and yang aspect of my finances.
This is an obvious source for some of my anxiety. It would not normally be enough to grind me to a halt, but with the big one, the unknown job situation and potential, this is fueling the anxiety a bit more.
Finally my remaining projects
This is both a source for anxiety and also a source for curing my anxiety. (another paradox)
On the one hand, working through my projects is helping to keep me calm and patient. I am making progress on my projects. I have a half dozen that I am working currently. These are not large projects in terms of money. They are important to me and to my clients and partners.
They do require energy, focus and forward progress.
Anxiety can rob me of all of those things, hence this quick break to talk it out with myself (and then do yoga).
If I am being honest with myself, I have been working at about 66% of my normal speed on these projects over the last 3 days.
The anticipation of the new job is distracting me. I have had a few family distractions as well on top of that.
So I feel like I am not wrapping or launching (as the case may be) these projects fast enough. Moving through them, might even result in earning some extra money fast enough to help with the bills if the other unpaid invoices remain unpaid longer.
It is one thing to know a thing, it is another to be able to do something about it.
There are times when we can see a problem in front of us, and we can’t avoid it at all. My memory sometimes goes back to the tidal waves around Fukushima that washed over the land. News choppers caught on camera people caught by those waves. They could see them coming, but they couldn’t always get to higher/ safer ground fast enough.
This is not one of those situations for me.
I have experienced that in the past and this is not one of those times. I am moving. I am getting things done. I am improving things.
My computer is slogging through the work (talking about my brain and myself not my actual computer).
it’s just a little bogged down and over heated with the anxiety from everything above.
I have written this and purposefully shared it to acknowledge the feelings and the experiences and the true stresses deriving from them.
This is simply Step 1. I am acknowledging the challenge, some might call it the shadow.
I can feel the shadow. I can know that I am walking through a shadow, under a cloud if you will. I can feel the difference in the temperature in the shadow.
I know that I am not the shadow. The feelings of anxiety, these are not me. They are not part of me.
I am simply feeling the shadow.
Step 2 is to reboot my mind.
Now that I know what it is that is stuck in my processor and I have acknowledged the truth of the situation, it is safe to reboot my computer, let my processor cool down for a few minutes and then start it back up again.
For me, this means yoga.
I can run or walk and pause the processor. That itself is a type of relief from anxiety. It is not a full reboot.
I need the full reboot that yoga brings. Then I can tackle one thing at a time again. Currently, the anxiety is a bit higher because I am feeling and processing a little bit of everything all at once.
I can’t process everything all at once. This is not how I multi-task even.
I am going to leave off here. I am going to work through Step 2.
Then I am going to jump back into Step 3, and work through the things that I can do in the here and now.
I am always looking for better ways to do everything. This is just a glimpse into my current process. There is more to it than my 3 steps. These just happen to be my next 3 steps and not all of the steps I use.
Regardless, I’m always interested in other ways to work through things. Ways I might improve or change things up to avoid letting things get stale. Love to hear your thoughts or even just hear a word of encouragement or a wish of good luck!
I would be grateful for any and all of those things.