Tomorrow, will mark the start of a new adventure. I am moving out of my digs, my first apartment as a single adult.
I lived here for about 13 months and made this place my home. Along the way, I enjoyed the company of neighbors above and around me. The neighbors above me had some delightful children that trained relentlessly for the Olympic Pole Vaulting competition in 2032. They were succeeded by a different family with a wide range of children who were training for multiple Olympic years, primarily in wrestling and shot put.
Along the way, a stray cat named Snuffles might have saved my life. Her departure along with her four kittens also marked an epic battle to rid my place of fleas. This was exacerbated by my lack of understanding that humidity breeds fleas and removing humidity squashes fleas.
I have grieved in this apartment. I have found love while living here. Countless friends and family have helped me heal and recover and grow in more ways than I could have ever imagined. The healing and growth and recovery continue and friends and family keep surprising me with new ways of helping me along my journey.
My gratitude and ability to be grateful to find positivity again to find love and make myself happy… all these things have grown to levels I would have never thought possible when I moved into this place.
I stayed longer than I intended. My original goal was to find a house to rent after the first 6 months. As real estate trends go, it was not meant to be.
I found it more of a challenge to leave than I expected. I even felt a little ‘stuck’ while I was here.
That feeling of being stuck permeated through many layers of my being. Even while I was healing and recovering, there were aspects of my life that were not progressing ‘fast enough’. In retrospect, I was like a grumpy patient, stuck in a recovery ward for many good reasons, but I was anxious to leave as soon as possible and confounded in my attempts to do so.
That started changing and rapidly a couple weeks ago.
Things are opening up on many fronts now as the barriers, real or perceived or whatever seem to be rapidly falling down around me.
I am hopeful and excited and very grateful at how things are working out. I am happy that I had the time that I did. I am going to miss this place even as I know that I have grown past it already.
It served its purpose and served it very well.
I have purged hundreds of books and lots and lots of other things that served their purpose for me too.
Tomorrow, I will bring in a moving truck and load everything up to go. I will let this place go.
I will carry forward the good memories and even in some of the sad ones, I will be mindful of how this place helped me to heal.
I look forward to my future. At the moment, I’m walking through a door. I am taking everything one step at a time.
I am not multi tasking anxiety in my mind.
I am doing one thing at a time. I bring my attention and focus to each of these one things.
I am doing a whole lot of ‘one things!’
This too marks an area of growth and improvement for me. In months and years and decades past, I would have happily taken on and enjoyed multitasking through the strategy and planning and doing of many things.
I would have multitasked through the anxiety as well.
This is something I leave behind in this apartment.
I will work hard to remember my lesson. I will work hard not to multitask anxiety. I will work hard to be in the moment and take one thing at a time. Plan when I need to plan, but not take on the anxiety.
I have learned over the last year as I shed my codependency, I have learned to trust that others will take care of and work their own shit.
This continues to serve me very well. It serves me well in my new relationship. It serves me even better as a father of a preteen and two teens. My children are coming to an age where they have either taken on their own shit or are working at doing so. Instead of being anxious for them, I am giving them the space they need to become self sufficient.
The funny thing is, I have also learned to trust myself again! I have learned to trust myself in the present. A year ago, I was in recovery from a broken heart and relationship. I was just starting then. I did not know when I might be able to trust my own judgment again.
Now, I do trust myself. Plus, I have learned to trust in my future self.
That last point is important. I trust that I will be able to take care of my own shit in the future.
This frees me from worrying about what I will do and focus on what I can or should do now.
For most of my life, I have benefited from confidence and the ability to back it up with results. I trusted in the ability to get results, but still worried through things.
Then, I was knocked down. I learned a great deal more from being knocked down.
Maybe the biggest lesson I have learned is how it feels to let go of the anxiety and set it aside and bring mindful focus to the present.
There will be some amazing things in my future and I am positive that this new skill of mine, will help me achieve.