Note – This List was written for part of a blogging challenge. I have taken on this initial challenge and flipped and twisted it in ways that suit me. I describe this at the end of the list.
That said, I wrote this list while listening to the song Inhaler by Foals on repeat in a pair of very good head phones. I’d recommend playing the videos and listening if you happen to want to read any of this. 🙂
No, the video is not safe for work, but not that much. It has body painted breasts.
Your life is not your own and you’ve known that since you were old enough to toddle into the sharp edge of coffee table corner. But at that age, your life centered all around you and you doubted yourself. The teenage years reinforced this perspective even while your teachers, parents, coaches and most of your peers proved over and over again that NO you were not in control of your destiny. But we venture off into adulthood and the real world, maybe touring a college or university or a meat market or a bar or a church and it feels like free choice, it looks like free choice, but we still find ourselves painted into a corner after all that messing around.
Maybe you are the type to get organized and follow a plan, maybe the wind blows you in spirals chasing dust devils collecting Walmart tumbleweeds from dusk till dawn waking up to Norman Greenbaum singing Spirit in the Sky on a parking light speaker system.
No matter what, you are going to arrive at that day, that one single day that will be completely taken away from you. It is NOT your day.
So reach down and wrap that rope around your gloved hands a little tighter, feel the warmth and the sheer magnitude of the power of the muscles of the bull between your legs, shoots gonna open in 3, 2, 1
Your off and you only need to hold on for 8 hours with these tips, you can do it!
- WAKE UP TO YOUR PHONE RINGING – No not the alarm, but a phone call. Answer it! Your dream of driving in a military convoy along a ridgeline plucking a banjo dressed in a blue and yellow striped clown suit with a green wig and white face while you puff on Swisher Sweets and holding on to gun turret… that dream isn’t going anywhere good. Sure it is just a robo call trying to determine if you are capable of answering the phone so that they can sell your name to a list of other robo callers. That’s ok.
- You Are Late, Act Like it! – Don’t shower, don’t follow your normal routine. Throw on yesterday’s clothes and drive your child to their extra-curricular activity at the local high school a mile away because they don’t want to walk a mile so that they can then proceed to run long distance through trails in the countryside.
- Wash & Feed Your Nasty Self – Drive back home, now you can start to go through your morning routine, afterall you are only up 45 minutes before you normally would get up. But make sure you hop on Facebook and find some fake news posted by a friend that is deeply offended by the thing in the title that is totally unbelievable and is in fact completely fabricated to offend your friend and everyone they know as soon as they see it. Scroll through more fake bad news mingled with some real bad news and lots of motivational and uplifting memes served up by pages claiming to be radio pages but actually created by 16-year-old boys trolling to mess with adults as their last act of rebellion before being shuffled out of their helicopter parent universe.
- Eat Gruel and Illegally Text and Drive – As soon as you have fed yourself the organic gruel and slime that is currently safe to eat but will cause cancer for generations in the future whose probiotic system won’t be able to stomach what you are capable of sucking down in between gulps of supplements then it is time to hit the road again and pick up the same child that was dropped off before, but don’t forget to monitor your text messages while you drive the mile down the road so that when they text you at 1 minute after the hour asking why you weren’t there on the dot, you can illegally text back that you are on your way and almost there and can you get the door for them and please watch out for that pile of wild goose crap on the sidewalk it may be 98 degrees outside with 96% humidity but the Canadian Geese think this is Florida now so watch out!
- You Are Late for Work, Act Like It! – Now that you have spent the morning playing delivery service for the local walking impaired speed demons who passed an Army Physical Fitness Test doing more pushups than anyone else of their sex even though they are just a Freshman and hadn’t done a pushup in months maybe a year, its time to do some work because you are at least a half hour late to start even though you woke up 20 minutes before your alarm was supposed to go off and 45 minutes before you normally need to wake to make it to work early.
- You are at Work, Don’t answer that ringing phone like a moron – The age of smartphones and internet phone lines has ensured that mankind will never again be able to safely answer a phone call without being harassed so the last thing you better do is pick up that ringing phone even though it has now run every 12 minutes for the last 47 minutes and you know for damned sure that it is going to ring again in about 90 seconds and the person calling is just trying to help you, but they have very few ideas about who you are and what you do even though they have known you for your entire life and the conversation can’t be any more difficult than the 8 similar conversations on the phone yesterday when you were trying to work.
- Silly work-at-home knowledge worker, No transportation then no work! – Spend the next 75 minutes (I made that number up completely) calling other people at their place of work, but choose people that are forced to pick up and ask them the tough questions you learned from doing your research reading 28,000 words of text on the modern cooling systems and temperature control units that control them and the mods and alternative methods of repair you’ve discovered watching 83 minutes of amateur youtube DIY videos and discover that the pros won’t perform the inexpensive repair for your vehicle because there is no money in that kind of thing so this is going to be a truly DIY job and your busted knuckles are the ones that are gonna have to do it.
- Watch your phone as an 800 number rings you – don’t answer and keep working. Nothing good ever came from a phone call from an 800 number and nothing good is going to come from this one and besides if they leave a 34th message with a chopped off message, that will make you eligible for an increase in your cellular rates so that you can help the short term profits of an aging telecom company that you (in a small but real way) helped launch a decade and a half now and takes it out of your hide every month with a razor-stitched whip dipped in Himalayan sea salt.
- Now you pick up that distracting phone and answer the incoming call – Take some time now to not only explain your day, but justify the actions you’ve taken thus far today and for the last 6 months and last 8 years while keeping your cool and composure because you love this person and they do want to help and they do want to understand, but that’s just not possible without performing a pod-people, body snatcher switcharoo and god help you if that happens! Get your pen ready and start taking notes because you need some additional things to do like go to an auto-dealer and randomly buy a house someone else found on the internet from a thousand miles away. ‘Oops wait, No that house is in a different town two and a half hours away in a town that has many of the same letters as the town you live in, but in a very different order….’ (Spell your town’s name 3 times) Ah, but yes these other two houses are around the corner and down the street.
- The Realtors can wait you have work to do, make some Ramen noodles – Ramen noodles are not food. You didn’t even buy them. The things have been festering in your pantry for 5 months and the Chernobyl solar planning committee is probably going to start eyeballing them as a potential location for yet another panel so its time to drop them in a bowl of water and nuke them for 2 minutes to feed the monster that just crawled out of bed and is demanding them as opposed to any of the healthy breakfast options that you did buy, but at least if you cook them you will never have to let a ramen jump the border wall built by trumpicans and paid for by trumpicans trying to block the evil ramens from sneaking in and taking the cheeses that your fellow citizens do not want to cut, and while you are at it empty the dishwasher too as that is where the pot was and the rest of those clean dishes aren’t going to march up to the cupboards hanging from the ceiling just out of reach of anyone without drywall stilts.
- Go ahead, pick up that ringing phone again they know you are answering now – explain that you haven’t gotten to the realtors but you have setup a date to have your vehicle looked at just in case there is some small thing that costs less than $1500 that will make your go-go car, go with a cool breeze streaming out of the vents, but now’s the time to create some space too. Take some time and explain that you need to get back to work and the prime job of the day is two-fold, creating a resume and creating another resume so that you can pay for any and all of this including the house that you haven’t seen and is over-priced by some local house flippers who quit their day job to buy a home for $74k, remodel it and sell it for $138k in a market where the comps show that prices are high at $120k, maybe they’ll take $97k and that should be a problem since you have $153 in one account and $6 in another.
- Find a groovy YouTube video and play it on repeat to get work done – I personally want to thank you for reading this far and thank you for your patience with this particular item as it is actually good advice. Listening to the same motivating song on repeat gets you into a groove and removes the distraction of focusing on different lyrics distracting you from your work and thoughts. I chose Inhaler by Foals. You should too, but beware there is sexy stuff that is not safe for work in the video.
- Review your initial draft and recognize it for the Crap it is – All first drafts are terrible and that is why we write more than one draft. The sooner you get the first draft out of the way, the sooner you can get on to writing something decent and respectable. Like all first drafts of a resume, mine was deplorable, so I then rewrote it on an iPad app and then rewrote it again back on my Mac. Fortunately, I chose to write it in Pages from Apple which no employer on earth will accept, so I next converted it via an Export to Microsoft Word with a .docx extension and uploaded it into Google Docs because ain’t nobody got time for buying Office for personal use anymore.
- Write the real resume now and rework that ‘too’ stylish layout Apple suggested – Let’s face it no one ever got hired off of a stylish resume except maybe someone that was hoping to get a job styling resume templates and no one has bought those since the 90’s. Now that you have simple and straightforward play with the wording over and over until you work out all the crunk and funk and career dunking junk that didn’t make it past a corporate resume filter the last 4 months. It’s time to bring out the heavy artillery and point the barrel at the ground and blast that old copy away!!! Fire, Fire, Fire, Die Copy Die!!!
- Time to eat left-over Taco Tuesday Taco’s even if it is Thursday – Everyone needs their energy and you aren’t going to accomplish anything if you face plant through the glass dining room table due to low blood sugar so heat up the food and gobble it down. While you are at it, load in tonights supper ingredients and get them cooking for the first wave of food and then sit your butt down and publish two articles to fuel your funnel and bring in some more work for your full-time business in case the side gig of a future potential full-time job doesn’t happen fast enough. There you go, one, two articles, plus clear out 8 browser tabs of research on your mobile phone and your iPad loading up a previously, but partially written article detailing your efforts trying to do Google Searches on Car repairs because that’s going to change your life in ways that no one realizes yet!
- Rinse and Repeat – At this point only a fool would have read this far and I am obviously no fool so we will not be choosing the wine in front of you… 🙂 It’s 1:08 am at the end of the day I’m detailing above. I only made it to about 5 pm and left out dozens of key events including a child that locked herself in a bathroom for an hour and other fun challenges in life, my life.
- Umpteenth – A good stopping point is right here. I had an amazingly challenging day, but had a whole lot of love and support from people that love me and were working to help me. I was stretched thin and twisted in many different directions. Accepting help is often far more difficult than not asking for help or even having to do everything yourself. Sometimes we need help and there’s no two ways around it. I have vented and expunged a great deal of stress out of my system in doing it.
Over the last two days (more really) the day has not been mine. I have set boundaries and reset them, but I have demands coming at me from more directions than I can keep track of. I made a hell of a lot of progress today.
Why am I even writing this vitriolic stream of consciousness List?
Well, I am participating in a challenge organized by Darren Rowse / Problogger. I learned to write lists for SEO, for products and reviews and results for clients and for lots and lots of things. I respect Darren a great deal professionally. I do not know him well personally but have known him online distantly almost as long as I have been doing this.
Lists are a go to tool for bloggers and when I wrote professionally before becoming a WordPress developer, I did this all the time. They have been absconded by a lot of very spammy news, fake news and other sites. One of their ugliest incarnations is in slide show like things usually offering up unflattering images of celebrities.
Lists are a tool and can be used for good and for bad.
Tonight, I was taking a walk cooling off and trying to come up with a topic.
You see, I had signed up for this challenge many days ago, but missed the kick off somehow. I didn’t get the notifcation so the List challenge was for 2-3 days ago.
I’m playing catch up. But I really wanted to write something personal. I did not want to write anything business related tonight. I had a handful of topics ranging form 23 themes that will blow up the .world to 98 ways that Donald Trump Offended your Mama before she pulled her big girl panties up to 47 Amazing Music Videos with Space themes that will inspire you to fly
But what I needed was not more work.
I needed a full on de-stress. So for the last hour, I’ve been dancing in silent disco mode while typing the above nonsense.
I did some kick ass work on a set of resumes today.
I did not submit them to the job I was writing them for.
That was a very good thing. I learned a few key things about the position and some of the skills required that I have, but had not specified in the resume. 🙂
So another quick rewrite will follow tomorrow and then they will be ready.
Then it is off to the next position and the next. Through all the craziness today, and it was manic at times, much more so than my writing above illustrates as I did a whole lot more and worked through a whole lot more than that.
I emerged feeling love for myself and feeling a great deal of love from a whole lot of people that care about me.
I am on a good path, and I need not bottle the manic up. I need to let that hyper energy leave my system and body and mind and return to a place of peace. In my writing, I have worked through grief, depression, anxiety attacks, changes, love, problems and more and now this.
This first challenge was a new weird flavor and I was working on it through the lens of a blogging challenge and an initial topic that I simply wasn’t feeling. But in taking on the task in an anti-challenge approach, breaking all the rules I have learned and employed over almost 10 years, I was able to exercise my brain and my skills in a new, bust the template and see things fresh kind of way.
I hope you go forward and make yourself a great day and become a Foals fan as I have over the last 48 hours.
Enjoy these Umpteen vitriolic F#(k8ng ways to give your day away to everyone and love YOURSELF!