Last night as I was going to sleep by the process of flipping and flopping and turning and covering up and then uncovering and then sticking one leg out of the sheet and then two and then my chest too and then all of me and then repeating it all again and again and again for an hour or two….
I came up with what I thought would make a great title for an article to capture my thoughts and explain my feelings at the time.
Blood, Sweat, and Tears – Hard things come in threes…As long as they come
I have been working my tail off trying to emerge from an old career and business and into something new. I have gone through relationship resets and personal resets on many very deep levels over the last year, and now its time to reset the career and business.
As most total life changes go, these things are not always easy. This one has been painful at times on many levels, especially a financial level and in part at a stress level. My work to rebuild my personal life and my relationships makes this much easier. I am extremely balanced and present. I do not feel the levels of depression and anxiety that I have felt back when I was starting over completely on everything.
Still, this has not been going easily either. There are times when I feel like if I stall or do not move forward fast enough, the universe finds a way to force my hand by taking something away from me.
Its sort of like someone has been saying, “Time for you to change what you are doing.”
My reply, “Ok, I’ll work on that.”
“No, now!” takes away my air conditioner in my car.
“Ok, I’m hurrying!”
“No, now!” takes away the available credit on my credit card.
“Ok, I’m really hurrying as fast as I can!”
“No, now!” takes away all of my cash.
“I’m changing, I’m changing. Might be easier if I had cash, credit or a car though.”
“No, now!” threatens to take my apartment away.
So I am changing things as fast as I can. 🙂 I do not feel like I have much of a choice. I definitely do want change.
I feel like I am paying for the change in blood, sweat and tears. More sweat and tears than blood, but I am paying.
Along the way, I am learning some things about myself. I have always been a sensitive person. ALWAYS. It runs in the family.
I have always looked at it as a bit of a weakness, something that rears its head and creates a distraction when I need to maintain a level head the most.
A Level Head is the Last thing I Need!
This is the new lesson I am learning. It is not an easy lesson to learn. It goes against everything that I was taught in school, everything I learned in the military and in college and in work since. It even goes against what I learned from my family who experience sensitivity as well. It was always a thing to grow out of and move beyond.
For over a year now, I have eliminated writer’s block that plagued me for years as I turned my sensitivity down and off. I didn’t make the connection to my writer’s block and my sensitivity knob set at -8 until the knob was cranked up to 11 by force.
I had no choice but to outlet my feelings through my writing. It helped save me from myself.
I came across this article today (‘How to turn your sensitivity into your Biggest Strength‘) on twitter. It does a good job of summing up this concept and explaining me. For me, it explains why accounting and finance were not a good career fit for me even though I had a very high aptitude for it. It explains why I enjoy writing so much. It explains why I like helping with people and working with lots of people so much and so much more.
Finding a Way Forward, Finding a Good Way Forward, Finding a Perfect Way Forward
Yesterday I had a wonderful conversation on the phone with my best friend. Like me, he too is going through major life challenges. I do not want to put words or thoughts in his mouth, but I see similarities in what he is going through even though what he is going through is very different too. It feels to me that some of the options that he relied on for years, have been taken away from him. This is forcing him to find a new way forward.
We have a lot of similarities and a lot of differences. There’s a lot of reasons why he is my best friend. One of the main reasons though relates to the positivity that he brings to our relationship. He can be going through some pretty negative circumstances, and he might be screaming out in pain and frustration but he keeps looking for a positive way forward to something better. I do that too. Individually, either of us can stumble at times and when we are together or talking, we backstop each other and do even better at moving forward.
I’ve been seeing a lady for almost seven months now and she too has this same type of positive ability. She is even better at finding the positive thing and not just ‘sort of positive’ but the most positive possible. She has a lot of practice and has a lot of good friends of her own that have helped her hone this skill. She has needed to hone this skill to survive.
Last night as I was ending the night after a good day, my energy level was low and I was far from feeling positive. I knew it. I was aware of it and couldn’t quite turn it around. My body was telling me that I needed to simply ‘feel’ what I was feeling and so I had to work through some more tears as I focused on ‘not giving up’ but instead ‘letting go’. At various times, I kept thinking and saying, ‘Fuck it, I give up!’ and immediately afterward would catch myself and say, “No, fuck that, I’m not giving up. I never give up.”
This morning I finally keyed in on the more accurate thing I was feeling. I was not getting the words right. It was coming out with the childish ‘I give up’ way but what I really needed to say was more mature ‘I’m letting go’. I do not need to control this thing anymore. It is not serving me and hasn’t worked for me for a long time. I’m letting go and purging it from my universe and onto the next thing.
So I moved on to yoga first thing this morning. The tears were gone and it was time to sweat.
I set my intention and in desperation, I started to set it as simply, ‘Finding my way forward’. It didn’t feel entirely right. I didn’t just want to trip and stumble and scrape my knees and run barefoot through a briar patch to find my way through to where I am going.
I wanted to find a good way forward. Something easy, something efficient and practical. Something with no pain involved if possible would be nice too.
Even as I thought all of that, I realized it wasn’t enough either. Sharon, my girlfriend, would find something even more positive than simply settling for ‘good’.
So I moved onto Find a Perfect way Forward.
For me, that said it all. It didn’t need more clarification. It was just what I needed and I proceeded to sweat my way through yoga. I didn’t struggle. I moved and held what I needed to hold as I needed to do that. It was a great session and the intention constantly kept coming back to me throughout.
Sometimes, I like to let all thoughts go throughout yoga. It is my mental computer reboot. Today, it was more of a visualization session. I kept visualizing new ways to find my way forward.
I’m working to let go of part of my old business and as I go through something of a rebirth, my business, the thing that I do, is going to rebirth with me.
I have been working on a new name for the new concept and this came up and worked out in my head during yoga.
uild a systemI had received an email before yoga as well. Someone wanting to me to give them free publicity. I was resistant before hand for many reasons. The request sounded a little spammy. During yoga, I realized that maybe they simply had not said things the way they really wanted to say them or maybe I was judging the words. Anyway it reminded me that I have intended to build a system to process requests like this more effectively.
That’s what I am going to do today! It might become a new source of revenue for me as well. I built something similar for a client 6 years ago, and never got around to doing the same thing for myself.
Time to fix that!
So here I am, moving forward on a path that is going to be perfect. I’m feeling a whole lot better and this is going to be an amazing day.
Sidenote – I’m just about completely broke, but before I started writing this a client tentatively accepted a new estimate that I had sent out Friday (and they had not received).
I am going to find a way forward. I am going to be able to pay my rent. Even more perfect, I am going to find a new better place to live. I have been here almost 3 months longer than I intended and its time to Move forward towards a perfect future!
I have been listening to this playlist by The Juan Maclean the last few days in between meditation music sessions. I highly recommend this group. I’ve loved them for over a year now.