Let me defend spending the time to write this article.
I just finished creating a tutorial video. It is rendering and uploading to youtube as I type this. It is the end of Father’s Day. I am a single father of three wonderful kids and we just spent a long day hiking through creeks and climbing over large rocks through the water up to a waterfall and back. A lot of other things happened too. It was a good day as a family. After they went to bed, I squeezed in some work as my cash flow is only flowing out at the moment.
I write for a lot of reasons. I write copy for myself and clients through work. I write fiction for fun in my spare time, something I had last about 3 months ago.
I write tutorials. I write emails to scope and pitch projects or to provide status updates. I write emails for sales purposes.
I write to clear my mind and maintain my sanity. This article falls into that last category.
I could even be sleeping at this point. Its just after midnight and I do need the sleep. However, I’ve had the ghosts of a thought running through my head for a few weeks now. It is a fight or flight reaction to some of the challenges I face.
I’m attempting to avoid fighting and I am definitely not taking flight and running away. I’m simply trying to break my challenges into smaller challenges and solve them step by step.
Regardless of my steps, I feel, I mean I really FEEL the urge to take flight and just travel. I could literally do a Forest Gump and run across the country or drive or walk or hike or go hike into the woods and live off the land, except I have no skills for living off the land. Not many at least. I could learn, but that seems like a whole lot more trouble than the challenges I’m facing.
That’s all beside the point. What I’m saying is that I’m experiencing a fantasy. A daydream of running away from my problems.
I am not going to do this. The urge is not nearly that strong. I’ve never done that in my life and I’m not going to start now.
The fiction writer in me thought recognizes this new feeling that I have never experienced before. The self-help guru in me recognizes that I need to write this out, clear it out of my head. Its cluttering things up and doesn’t help me do the things I need to do.
I need to make more space for realizing the positive visions that I have to successfully overcome the challenges that exist.
Side Note – My video just finished rendering. So at this point, I’m writing into my sleep time….
Off and on, I work through low levels of depression and anxiety. These are not currently serious. These are not things that I have a long history with. I’m just over a year into a divorce after 23 years of marriage. The grief cycle has me feeling overwhelmed at times.
Life isn’t helping in that regards. I’m clearing out a lot of things in my life that do not serve me or do not serve me well. As I go through this life purge, I am emerging much more capable and focused than ever before.
The path through this purge however, is tough and this is where a lot of my anxiety stems from. I’m in transition in many ways.
Part of me would like to simply give up and run away. I have fantasies about this when things feel toughest. These are not strong fantasies. Its not like serious depression. Its not like ideation. These are more along the lines of a day dream, an idle thought like, “I’d like an ice cream cone” or “I’d like to jump in a lake” or “that woman is beautiful” or “what if I bought a large clear beach ball and put a GoPro camera inside of it and hit record and then tossed it off a mountain cliff, what would the video show”…
These are all fantasies I’ve had in the last few days. I have not acted on any of them, some of them had no actions even attached to the fantasy.
That’s sort of like the take flight feelings I have. The only difference is that they come up often.
I could load up everything I can carry in my car and just drive away. I could go buy a camper for a few thousand dollars and live off the grid. I could rejoin the military and request that I get deployed away somewhere immediately. I could go work in a call center in India “had that fantasy while looking for jobs yesterday.” I could hide away in the mountains, live on a house boat, or fifty other things.
I do not want to do any of these things, well the house boat idea has always been attractive, but I don’t need to run away to do that. 🙂
I’ve never been the type to run away from anything. I have quit things before, but not runaway.
Frankly, I’m even a little bored with the fantasies. These are proper fantasies! There’s nothing exciting about them, there’s nothing in them that solves my problems.
It is more like the notion in Pulp Fiction of just going and wandering the Earth doing good deeds. I guess people used to make pilgrimages for similar reasons. They temporarily lost their way in life and need to go travel a bit to find their purpose again.
That’s sort of where I am. I have temporarily lost my way in life. I’m actually feeling like I am very close to finding it again, its just that its not working yet.
I swear I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and even smell the fresh air wafting from the entrance. I just can’t quite get out of the tunnel yet and I keep thinking it would be nice to stop walking and instead climb out an air duct in the ceiling or something, even though to jump that high and reach the ladder would be harder than walking to the open tunnel.
This may not be one of the more interesting challenges I have confronted, but its what I have to contend with today, tonight. Actually, that’s it. My video is finished, I’m out of ideas. Its time to get some sleep.
I hope you rest well tonight. I hope you awake tomorrow and emerge from your own tunnel into a beautiful new day and find your way easily and without effort going forward achieving your goals and your dreams!