All day I have run into little tech gremlins. Something in my browser on my laptop happened. One minute my website worked fine, the next it would not load right. I went to the company that keeps it running and their site wouldn’t load either. I talked to them on twitter, no response initially. Sent them an email, and they helped me figure out that I needed to clear the cache on my browser.
Dumb little thing. Should have thought of it myself.

Its been little things like that all day. Little speed bumps in the road creating a slight delay or annoyance.

Now as evening arrives, I just realized I have one of these little gremlins in my head. I’m about to go running to clear the cobwebs a bit, but my iphone needed to be charged just. I plugged it in, came back an hour later; no change. I unplugged it and flipped the silly apple wire over and it started charging.

Why do those stupid plugs go bad on one side like that eventually?

So now instead of running to clear the cobwebs, I’m writing a bit to do the same. I’m still going running, just not at the moment. 

My stress levels are inching up for personal reasons. My son is graduating from high school this weekend. He will be going off to college next fall. I’m super happy, proud and more. He’s a great kid. Still, I have to get used to the empty nest concept. He’s my first child to grow up and move on. 

After starting a divorce about a year ago, I’ve gone through the emotional turmoil of realizing what it feels like to lose part of your children’s childhood. I’m fortunate. I have 50% custody of my kids.

Yet, I lost access to witnessing the other 50% of their childhood. Way back when, I even calculated up the hours and weeks that I lost. It felt sort of like a death. The grief was terrible.

I got through it recognizing the need to live in the present. Still I guard every moment with my children as a precious gift. The events of my life change gave me the feeling and the urge to become very protective of my time with my children. I had lost half their remaining childhood and didn’t want to lose anymore!

Still, the practicalities of life after that pain subsides a bit enter the picture. I need to work. I have a business to run. 

The kids got out of school for the summer yesterday. I have had to take off a great deal of time this week to get them where they needed to be and much more. I lost a lot of work. I need that work. My finances are precarious. Precarious like Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic, sinking in the cold waters of the arctic looking up at the hand that his could no longer hold onto, that kind of precarious. 

I’m lost in my head this evening as the kids are not here. I’ve been working to get caught up on work, caught up is not the right phrases. I’ve been working to swim up about 50 feet from the surface so that I can still see the moonlight and know that I’m not on the ocean floor yet. I have a whole lot to do. πŸ™‚ That part does not bother me too much. I need all the time I can get.

I only have the kids with me for another 24 hours before they go back to their mother. I gave up an afternoon with them today to do work and allow them to be with their grandparents. The afternoon is now stretching into the evening.

That is where the gremlins come in to play in my head.

I do not begrudge their grandparents time with my children. They used to be my in-laws. They used to be like second parents to me. They are great people. They haven’t seen their grandkids since April. I saw them this morning.
I definitely do not begrudge my children time with their grandparents for the same reasons and more.

I felt like I was doing a good thing for my kids, for their grandparents and even for me, but like a goose protecting a nest, my hackles are up. Maybe with a little cause, maybe without any good cause at all.

As a recovering or healing codependent, I’m working to try and learn how boundaries work. I’m learning to set and hold boundaries better. I’m learning to not please everyone first at my own expense. Its not easy. Sometimes it is not easy, because there is no good way to a) know what I want all the time or b) choose things that are good for myself 
…or at least choose things that do not feel like a knife twisting in an old wound.
I do not know what I want here in this situation. If I had kept the kids here all day, it would not have been good for any of us. Letting them go, setting them free a bit, was good for my kids and that is good for me. 

The gremlins are telling me that I’m being under appreciated or at worst taken advantage of. Odds are no thought is being paid to me whatsoever. And hell that hurts too.

This weekend is going to get tougher before its over. I’m not trying to set an intention to make it tough. There’s just too many triggers in my future at the moment.

My son will graduate. He will be staying with his mother during graduation. She is throwing a party at her place (our old place). I’m not going.

I was invited. There is far too much pain in the invitation and the location of a party there for me to be able to go. I’ve talked about it months ago with my son. I think he understands or at least doesn’t want me to go anywhere that I won’t be comfortable or in pain. I’d love to rise to the occasion and showing a lot of strength walk in and go to the party. 

I could do it. I have it in me. I have never had a problem being in uncomfortable situations or being with people in uncomfortable situations. Some people can have their teeth pulled or drilled without novocaine too. 

I could go. It would be like having my teeth pulled to do it. It would probably be worse. I could scream out if I were getting my teeth pulled without any medicine. I wouldn’t feel self conscious. I wouldn’t scream out at a party though.

I’d be screaming on the inside and it would create new scars and wounds that would take me forever to heal from.
So I’m skipping the party. I’ll go to the graduation and that’s it. I won’t see my son for another week after that.

Gremlin inside my head just started jumping up and down squashing something in there that’s painful, now dousing it with gasoline and lighting a match…

I won’t have to endure the pain of the party. I’ll have a smaller pain of not being there. Even this is a trigger from a party at the same place at the same time last year right in the middle of the start of the divorce. It’s like a new and worse version of a ground hog’s day repeat of one of the more painful days in my life and the player is set to start on Saturday. 

I hadn’t totally felt any of this until today, until about 2 hours ago when my son called to ask if he and his sisters could stay with their grandparents for dinner. I was in the midst of making dinner when he called.

His grandmother is a great cook. If I had a choice between my cooking and hers, I’d choose hers about 8 times out of 10. 

My cooking is getting better. A year ago it would have been 9 times out of 10.

 I understood, but in that moment a chunk of my heart was pulled out and plopped right in with the pork chops and garlic and butter that were sauteing while I cut up cauliflower and red potatoes and butter.

Time to run. πŸ™‚ 

My fight or flight urges have been running red line in flight mode for the last two three weeks. I’m not running anywhere, but I do need to burn through the urge. I’m done fighting. I was done with that last September.

I need to find a little more zen to see me through the night. I hiked with my daughter’s up Crowder’s Mountain today and it was beautiful to see them ‘get it’ as we hiked. My older daughter got it a lot more than my younger daughter. She took about 100 pictures by her count, picked wild flowers and danced through the trails and over the rocks like a deer. That hike alone carried me through the day in a happy place. 

Time to recharge and get back to happy again.

I trust you will find a way to get yourself back to happy in your own way and recognize when that needs doing as well! 

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