Older article got stuck in draft…   Again (no more of these, just cleaning out the cobwebs)


This is another title that seems to be a tangent on what I actually wrote, which is more of my frustration with multiple challenges that I am coping with currently.

This week ends a confusing month and a confusing week and a confusing year.

Frankly, I am hurting today. I’ve been fighting off depression for a week or so now, just dodging, flirting around the edges and escaping it, but not today.

I do not know where to begin as I have allowed my hurt to get tangled up with other people, again. Not just one person but multiple people in different situations from personal to business relationships.

There’s a saying that ‘hurt people, hurt people’ but it goes the other way too. People that are hurting get hurt or allow others to hurt them as well.

I have a car that is also hurting… More precisely, it has an air conditioning system that is acting up. It blows cold air sometimes and hot air most of the time. Its been recharged with freon and does not seem to be leaking. There seems to be something else wrong with the temperature control system. It could be any one of a half dozen components in the system or several of them together.

My cash flow and bank account are also hurting…

I can not take my car in to get the air conditioner worked on as I do not have the money to do that. I have been working to troubleshoot it with some internet lore and YouTube videos, but this appears to be one of those problems that will likely require professional attention. Yet, the money is not there.

As the depression encroaches on my own system, I face a similar dilemma. I (sort of) have health insurance. Its good insurance. Unfortunately, do to the cash flow problem, I am close to $1200 behind in my policy payments. Getting professional help is less of an option. I might be able to get in to the VA and see someone there. However, I am ignorant of the system there and how it works or what it might take. The horror stories frankly have scared me off a bit, but necessity might change that any day now.

There is an irony in this potential new dependence on the VA. I feel like I put a whole lot into the military when I served, but that was over twenty years ago. Many of my problems today actually have some genesis in my time in the Army.

If I hadn’t made some choices then, I might not have some of the issues I have today.

Not to be cryptic, but my military marriage from back then ended last year, hence the depression, or at least some of it.

That’s the past, and I can’t change it. Don’t want to change it.

I do find it ironic that something I did over twenty years ago might provide me some relief or help today, if I could figure it out. If I had the time to try…

I’ve been working to pick myself up from my bootstraps all year. I’ve been working hard at healing myself. I have been working hard at moving beyond the hurt. I am there most days, but the wounds are only partially healed and they tear open fresh again with little provocation.

 

 

I’m not used to being this fragile.

 

I feel like one of those cranky people in a physical rehab trying to get their legs moving again and crashing to the floor doing the smallest of tasks. It is frustrating. I am frustrated. I am impatient.

I do not want to feel hurt. In my hurt, I do not want to cause more hurt to others. In my damaged condition, I do not want to allow others to hurt me, to give them that power, but as I am only just getting on my own feet, I sometimes do not have the defenses to let things go by me.

My weeks lately have been filled with miscommunications. Some or small, some are large. Several of my financial challenges directly stem from miscommunications with clients and potential employment opportunities.

In some of my business deals, I have apparently not been doing a good job at closing all of my sales. I learned decades ago, even before my time in the military how to close sales well. I had years of experience at this.

Yet, somehow lately I have let these lessons fade. I do not think I have changed much in my communications, but whatever it is that has changed, the end result is that some of my deals were not closed well and this caused problems for myself and a couple of my clients.

I know from hard earned experience that when a sale is not closed well, it usually has a negative impact on revenue, cash flow, and this has definitely been the case for me and at a time, I could least afford such a problem.

I have been working as a consultant or self employed contractor for ten years. This is not new stuff to me. However, I have not had to juggle quite this much stress and other life changes at the same time.

My ability to run my own marketing, close my own sales, run my own project management work, perform the actual work and more is stretched thin.

Everytime I get to a place personally speaking where I feel that I have finally gotten my new life under control, something new creeps in and latches around my ankles and trips me up.

I’m not falling completely on my face, but its very very close to that.

All week, I have felt the need to find time for myself. I’ve felt the need to be secluded, to isolate. I have not had the luxury of following up on that urge. I am a single father of three kids. Personal time is not in the cards.

I can’t even look into the future an envision a time when I’m going to have much of that anytime soon. Furthermore, if something doesn’t give with my finances, business or career, its not going to matter much.

I’m sitting on the porch as my upstairs neighbors pack up their belongings and move. They had a very full household of 7 or 8 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment of less than a thousand square feet. Two of those people were the toddler girls, nieces of the couple that ran the household. Their sister has a serious drug problem and they foster their nieces.

This apartment costs more to rent than my last house cost to buy and it was three times larger.

I briefly spoke with one of the teenagers as they were packing up. He is the same age as my son and they briefly went to the same school years ago. I asked them if they had found somewhere better to move to. It was a casual and friendly question.

Previously we had only conversed when I was trying to help him find a lost cat.

The shadow of pain that crossed his face when he answered scared the hell out of me.

 

 

‘We don’t know where we are moving to.’

 

Having grown up poor myself, my temporary current set backs feel like a shadow I emerged from a long long time ago. But that response reminded me of how real they can get and my own finance troubles are borderline from running into the same problem.

A year ago, I was working to buy a house and had just accumulated the money for a down payment.

Today, that money vanished in the divorce, paying for it. Now, I’m living week to week, month to month and starting all over again from scratch.

I am confident I will emerge eventually. Even in my depression I am optimistic.

But the pain of the depression is self defeating and that is what I am struggling with.

Writing it out, getting the pain and hurt out of my system helps. Its one of the few things that does help.

Keeping my nose to the grind stone helps a little bit, but when the depression gets to be too problematic and it starts to break down the grind stone (screwing up business deals or relationships) then I have to perform maintenance and write or something else.

I do not know where to go next, nor how to get there.

Its an hour by hour thing this weekend.

I’m working hard to make the day better. Its not easy, I’m working at it. I trust you are working to make a good day too!

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2 thoughts on “Not Used to Being This Fragile

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