Morning is my lowest point of the day. I know this about myself. I do my best to recognize this and flip it. I am always aware that mornings will be my lowest point. I am operating at my best when I can be aware enough to be like Bruce Lee and let the low point wash on past me, be like water. Short of that, I resort to force and try to flip the low point with some kind of mental judo move. 🙂
This morning I wake to look at my ceiling. It does not have a ceiling fan, but reminds me of the Apocalypse Now scene with Martin Sheen lying on a bed looking up at a ceiling fan. Its the anxiety for the day to come mixed with the challenges left over from yesterday, the stresses of yesteryear shackling my mind, that make the scene powerful. He is entirely in his own head, battling demons.
That’s me in the morning. I do not wake up fast. I tend to linger in bed. Linger is the root word for malinger, or at least I think it is. My body isn’t totally ready to move yet so that leaves my brain with nothing better to do. I scroll through Facebook too many times. I know that Facebook scrolling is something that depresses everyone.
I know better. I know that the best way to prevent Facebook induced depression is to communicate with people on Facebook. I do not mean pressing a like button or some other emoji, I mean writing actual words that mean something and connect with people putting something out on Facebook.
Today, I didn’t follow my own best practice. Not yet at least.
I stared at the ceiling. I checked my bank balances electronically again. My payments deposited into my bank have not yet cleared. I have a deceptive $923 in one of my accounts, but I wrote a check for $910 three days ago to pay my rent so that I can have a ceiling to stare at. That check has not cleared yet either and I cannot spend that money gambling that my incoming funds will clear in time to replenish it before my own check comes through. I do not play bouncing games with checks.
Its chilly in my apartment. It got down to around 50 last night, maybe a little lower even. I did not turn the heat on, being frugal even though the electric bill is paid and it wouldn’t matter.
This too pushed me to remain under the covers, huddling a bit.
That was then, fifteen minutes ago. But things are starting to change. I’m now sitting up in bed, writing my demons out. Its helping already.
I’m sitting halfway under the covers with my legs crossed. I’m letting the cool morning air wash over me like floating in a cool lake on a hot day. I’m starting to breath.
I have a lot of demons from this day a year ago. This was the day a year ago that I learned my marriage was over and that my wife had stopped loving me. The day before this day a year ago, I shifted and my universe had changed but I had not entirely realized that a year and a day ago. It wasn’t until this day, that I started to learn of the differences in my new universe.
Back to the present a year later, and my ex-wife is running a race with in town. My youngest daughter is running the same race separately. This would have been a family event in the past. A year ago, it was a family event, except two members of the family knew that we were no longer a family. We hadn’t told the kids yet. I was still in shock…
Weird how our brains time travel like that. I was in the present and slipped back again. This is the nature of my fight in the morning.
As I go through the day and start making things happen, I get better grounded in the present.
My next step is to wrap up this mental judo via writing and get some quick running clothes of my own on. I need to hit the local streets and trails a bit. I need to go find beauty.
When I run, I look for the most beautiful plant or tree or imagery I can find. I look in the distance for these things and seek them out with my eyes. When I find something I run with my eyes locked on the beautiful thing. I love it, literally and soak in the feeling. As I pass it, I re-scan and find something else and repeat the process over and over again for miles.
When I finish my run, hopefully it will be a little warmer. Right now it is about 63 degrees, which is perfect for a run. But at the end of the run, I’m hoping the sun will be out so that I can peal off my shoes and socks and walk partway back barefoot. This too is grounding, literally. I’ll let my barefeet soak in the sunny warmth from the pavement. Some people feel that we pick up free electrons from the sun, from the universe that have literally hit the earth. Walking barefoot after a run does feel like a foot massage or stretch as it forces our feet and muscles in our feet to work in ways that shoes do not let them move.
I run in toe shoes. These allow my own feet even more movement than normal shoes. But they are still shoes and not nearly as good for my feet as going barefoot.
So I’m hoping it is just a little warmer by the time I finish my run, so that my foot massage will be a warm foot massage.
This will feel wonderful and will help me reclaim the start of this day even more. I’ll walk back from a warm feeling black topped sub division I intend to end my run in, back through a park called Goat Island, across the bridge to the island on one side and across the second bridge leaving the island that leads to the down town that I live next to. Its a small town of just a few thousand people.
I’ll need to put my shoes on for the last stretch home as someone broke a bottle on the sidewalk a week back or so and there are still some glass shards there.
I think today, I’ll stop along the way back and pick some of those up. I’ve thought about that a few times as I walked the same sidewalk the last couple days, but wasn’t quite mindful enough to turn that daydream into reality. I wasn’t quite grounded enough to make my new universe just a little better.
But today I will be. Today, I will make my universe I call home better. I will make this present day a great one. A year ago today, I will awaken to memories of a the great day I made for myself today. I will see beautiful pictures of this day offered up by Facebook when I scroll too much that morning. I’ll remember how I made do with a day that started with small money problems and then got sooooo much better.
A year from today, I will have amplified my love for myself and given myself this gift.
Today, I give myself the gift of an amazing day, one filled with beauty and connections with wonderful friends and people I love. The gift of this beautifully present day will reward me today, and reward me in the future. Funny how being present today can help ward off anxiety tomorrow….
So time to swim out of bed through the chill, eat a banana and hydrate quickly as I get ready to stretch my legs and run. I’m going to make this day beautiful and hope you find your own energy, your own grounding mechanisms to join me and do the same for yourself today and your future self too!
Make a Great Day!
While I was running, I momentarily remembered to set my vision on what my bank account would look like after my deposit cleared and how it would feel to know, I had things covered again.
After getting home and while starting a load of laundry before showering, I refreshed Mint and checked my balance.
It was there! It felt just as I had envisioned it.