I’m not feeling that exclamation point, its false bravado. One year and 1 hour or so ago, I was walking down the street with my youngest daughter and our two dogs. We were a short block away from home after walking almost two miles in our neighborhood. We had walked the dogs through the same place countless times.
It was the end of a beautiful spring evening and very hot. Less than half a neighborhood away, I heard tires squeal. I was talking to Mya as we walked and looking back at her. She was leading one dog and I the other. Cheddar was an old yellow dachshund mutt shaped more like a corgi despite. Reubens was black, brown and white bassett hound. He’s not small, but not one of the largest nor tallest bassett hounds.
The dogs were tired as we neared the last block and were trying to pull their way out towards the middle of the street. We were walking against traffic in the grass on the side of the double yellow line road at the end of the peninsula of Paradise Point. We were just arriving at the corner of Paradise Circle and Paradise Circle. Paradise Circle is really a figure eight. Originally it was a circle at the end of a road and another circle was added to it making a blockish shaped figure eight..
As I was talking to Mya the doppler sound of an engine approaching to my right. I turned to see a speeding white truck squealing straight through a stop sign and turning right at us. The driver had short buzzed dark hair and he drunkenly spotted us and the road at the last minute and jerked hard on the wheel.
The truck went up on two wheels. It was not a small truck. It wasn’t jacked up excessively. It almost flipped on top of myself, my daughter and our dogs.
It happened way too quick to react or jump out of the way. The speed limit on the road was 25, but in the direction he was going, it was only practical to drive about 15. He was probably doing about 40. I didn’t process the speeds until months later.
The truck missed us by inches and then slammed back down onto four wheels and almost flipped over on the other side. It swerved a couple more times and the guy drove on like a bat out of hell down the road.
I didn’t notice that either. My daughter’s life was flashing before my eyes. She was nine years old about turn turn ten the next month. She has not had an easy life. She has benign hypotonia and it took months and months for her to finally learn to walk at the age of 25 months. Everything else came slowly in a delayed way.
I’ve watched Mya grow up in what has felt at times like slow motion. Muscle development delays were related to speech delays and developmental delays. She had to work and focus hard just to be able to stand. Even at nine and now ten she is growing in slow motion. Someday she may catch up with herself and hopefully now will live a long happy life.
On this day a year ago, I watched her slow motion life speed before my eyes. It almost did not continue.
I’ve nearly died in multiple scenarios many times throughout my life. A cave collapsed on me once, my grandmother almost shot me with a .357, I flew off a motorcycle and across an intersection and landed on my head twenty some years ago, saved by my helmet. The helmet did not survive. There have been many other times. They did not bother me nearly as much as being present when my daughter almost did not survive.
Mya and I were completely rattled. We walked the last block back to our house trembling. We barely made it into the yard and collapsed into swings hanging from the old recycled swing set in the front yard.
I was scared. I was angry. I was furious. We could barely talk. What we could talk about turned into a discussion about ‘bad guys’. The guy that almost ran us over did not live in the neighborhood. He was temporarily staying with a neighbor down the street who had a drug and alcohol problem. His own wife had moved out months before and various people had come to party with him and stay a day, a week, a month. This guy was staying the weekend. These were not young people..
I’m sitting on the porch of my apartment now with headphones on listening to Al Green’s Love and Happiness. I love this song.
Mya and I decided to try and go out on the lake. I can’t recall now if we went for a swim or took the paddle boat out. It was probably the paddle boat. I don’t think it was warm enough yet to swim. While we were out in the cove paddling around, the guy that almost ran us over drove back and pulled into the house with the drunken, drugged up neighbor. I had helped this neighbor a number of times throughout the years with his business and his continually escaping pets. That was before he fell completely off his wagons.
I hadn’t recognized the truck the visitor was driving until he pulled into the neighbors driveway. The visitor had borrowed the neighbors truck to go god knows where, probably to buy cigarettes or beer or something else.
When the incident happened, I was too rattled to call the police. I normally would not have hesitated. That day, I couldn’t make my fingers make the call.
As we paddle back to our dock, knowing where the guy was, I just wanted to walk over to the house and take a baseball bat to him and the truck. The rage was worse than anything I had experienced before by a factor of about 100.
I kept it together. I did not walk over. I was so angry that I was shaking.
Mya was probably my saving grace that day. We kept talking. I kept it together for my daughter. I was shaking from anger, but I kept my voice calm for her and kept my words calm. I knew that if I went over there to confront the guy in any way, it would not end well.
Stuck in the Middle with You by the Stealer’s Wheel just came on. ‘Trying to make sense of it all…’
Physicists, science fiction writers, even some religions feel that sometimes people shift. They shift from one universe to the next. They are living their life, following their timeline, when something catastrophic happens and their time line ends, and their consciousness shifts to a new time line where they can live on. Others feel that at pivotal points a new universe is created during a split or a fork…
Looking back on that day, thinking back to that event, I think Mya and I shifted that day. I’m pretty certain that I shifted. Mya is still pretty young and even though she is named after a character from a book with a multiverse, she’s not familiar with the concept.
From that day forward over the last year, everything changed dramatically.
A large part of my history was rewritten that day. That’s a very difficult thing to describe.
We know of our lives of our own history by living it. We then have memories about what happened.
Before and after the shift, my memories did not change. None of the evidence that supported my memories changed either, none of the evidence that I had seen before the shift that is.
Afterwards, I discovered a number of things about my memories that would forever change my understanding of my history. Some of that came from the perceptions of other people, family, people I loved. Some of it came from things I discovered online. Communications between people that had happened before that day, but I had never seen. I never even knew the communications were taking place.
The new awareness of these things came to me over the days, weeks and months after the shift.
Before the shift I was happily married. A couple hours after, my wife and I decided to divorce after 22, almost 23 years, of marriage.
I was in shock from this. My kids were in shock. My family was in shock. My friends were in shock.
It was as if someone had gone and done a script rewrite of my life. They knew they couldn’t change anything that anyone had seen, but they could change the things people had not seen and add something to the story that had not been there before.
I’m going to say that a year later, I have no idea if a ‘shift’ is truly possible. I have no idea if there are multiple universes or the potential to get shifted from one and into another. The science supports the concepts, but supporting and proving are two very different things
I’m not going to be running down the streets anytime soon warning people of Chicken Little scenarios of a falling sky or soylent green etc.
I don’t think I am.
I write this simply to try and describe the feeling. My system has tried to assimilate the massive upheavals in my life over the last 365 days.
Before the shift, I was on a slow and steady track to fix up my life following financial troubles dating back to the mortgage crisis in 2009. Prior to the shift, I had been having my best year in business to date. But I had also painted myself in a corner professionally, spiritually and personally. I was suffering from writer’s block among other things and had been for 3 years. I had become codependent reacting with care taking behaviors in my relationship with the wonderful woman who became my ex. I did not recognize her.
For months after the shift, I dug deep and worked to heal myself from the shock, from the changes, from the loss of my wife and best friend.
It was not easy. I made a ton of progress. A year later, I am still working on it.
I work very diligently now to live in the present. I strive not to dive into the past nor fret over the anxieties of the future.
For ten of the last 12 months, I went to yoga 5-6 days a week. It helped save me and heal me.
I haven’t been able to get to yoga the last 6 weeks or so for financial reasons. I try to practice on my own at home, but its no where near as helpful.
I’m healthier now than I was then, although I was pretty healthy before the shift. Last year at this time, I was preparing to start doing triathlon’s for the first time.
Now, I am about twenty pounds lighter and a lot more fit
Maybe you have noticed, my writer’s block is gone. 🙂
I have gotten back in touch with my own soul. I went to work immediately last summer to end my codependent behaviors and now I am working to build a healthy new relationship with a wonderful new lady in my life.
Life is very challenging. Nothing is going easily.
Life is very good. Things are looking better and better every day.
I have worked very hard to make everyday count since that day. I work to make everyday more beautiful for myself, for my children, for the people around me and for the people I love.
Many many people have helped me as my path has shifted and changed moving in new directions. I can’t even begin to count all the people that have stepped into help me, to give me a hand, a hand up, assistance, guidance, counseling, an ear to listen, good advice, advice I was ready for and advice that I wasn’t yet ready for but was soon after.
Since the shift I have not watched the news. I stay on top of what is happening in the world through people, but the news stopped serving me. It was part of the problem and I cut it out of my life
Tonight, I almost went out. I am alone this evening. My children are with their mother. It would normally be the start of my night to have custody of the kids and to spend the next seven days with them
Since the shift, my children have become nomads moving from one household to the next every seven days.
I went through a lot of very challenging situations growing up, but I always knew where my home was. I was extremely fortunate and this is now something I can no longer provide for my children.
Their universe shifted as well a year ago. Sometimes I look into their beautiful faces and I can see the new knowledge, maybe even a tinge of fear, they know that overnight their world can completely shift and they might wake up without a home soon after.
What I am sharing here is perspective and maybe a small touch of wisdom or awareness. This is what I know about myself and the world a year later.
I feel like I know what its like to live in one body, one life, and then wake up in a clone, not just of the body but a clone of the life, just not a perfect copy.
I loved my old life, my old universe, and I loved all of the people in it.
I love my new life, my new universe, and I love all of the people in it.
The weird things is that they are not quite the same. I grieve still for the loss of my old self, my old universe and the people in it I loved.
I celebrate the new life, universe and the people in it, some new and some that I think I knew before.
I almost went out this evening. In my new life, I get out and socialize regularly with new friends. I go dancing often. This week, I have been alone the last few days working from home. I almost went out to be with friends and dance. I felt a need to keep myself busy. I didn’t want to linger too long on the past.
Today, I almost drove to the intersection of Paradise Circle and Paradise Circle to be in that place, the place where I shifted. The place where my daughter may have shifted as well.
I didn’t go back. I’ve driven past the place many times since then anyway.
Today is the anniversary of the event. I’ve got mixed feelings about this up one side and down the other.
Instead of reliving the past, I worked on my present and future all day.
This weekend and the next week to come, may be a very difficult week for me and for my children and for the woman I love and am divorcing. We are legally separated.
I mourned the old world last summer. The grief cycle brings it back from time to time, but I found a beautiful acceptance last fall. I found a beautiful new love last winter.
I am finding a beautiful new me as well. I am forty-three but in some ways this clone, I find my consciousness in, it is younger. On the outside I look about forty-three. On the inside, I feel decades younger and at times the new connection I have with myself, my soul, it makes me feel like I did in my teen years or in my early twenties.
Its as if my life is restarting and I am re-experiencing, quickly, many of the things I went through at an earlier age. My emotional development has started over again. It didn’t start over from scratch, and in some ways this is like playing a video game where you have already been through some of the levels.
I’m making quick work through some of the levels, but I am also finding better ways through some of these levels too.
A year ago I died. I shifted. I was born new. Today is my new birthday in a weird, very weird way. It doesn’t feel like a birthday, but hell, I don’t recall my previous first birthday either!
I know this, I’m going to do something amazing with this new life. I have a lot to do and I’m not going to wait for the ‘amazing’ to show up in the future. I’m making the most out of every single day. Its not easy, but I’m doing it. I hope you join me and make the most out of it too. Trust me its a lot easier to make the most out of it now and now be forced to shift into a different universe and start all over again.
Enjoy what you’ve got, enjoy where you are and make it beautiful. That’s what I’m doing. When I have doubts, I search out beauty all around me. It grounds me, it energizes me and it helps me keep moving forward in the right direction. Its the right direction for me. I hope you find your right direction too!
That exclamation point isn’t false bravado any longer.
I went to the store and picked up a birthday cake for myself after finishing my lasts lines above. They had no ‘1’ candles, so this became my Zeroth birthday for rebirth or shifting or just because I am an Azimov fan…