Today, I am getting through. I am getting through to myself. I am traveling far deeper into my soul today that I intended, but apparently that is what I needed.Today, I am backing up my iPhone in preparation to update it. I have also just added in a few dozen songs by Prince, including the Purple Rain album.
Today, I’m going to take my paddle board out on the South Fork River for the first time this season. I’m taking it out for the first time since moving from my home on Lake Wylie last fall. My soul is on the water, and I need to commune with myself.
Yesterday, I hiked into new territory and started this new project. I started a project to find new places to work. I am looking for beautiful places where I can still get the job done, do my work well.
Between then and now, I found beauty in forgiveness. I wasn’t expecting it, but found I needed to forgive someone in my life that hurt me at a very deep level. Trust was betrayed, bad things happened. I witnessed things that I wish I had not witnessed. It hurt. It still hurts.
I had forgiven these things before, but I had not discussed them with the person who chose to hurt me. Last night after work, I found that I needed to deal with the elephant in the room, let it out, let it walk a bit, let it trample around and rip scabs off of wounds that had not set correctly.
I made it through that initial foray just fine. Today, was going to be an atypical day from go. I had planned to take the morning and most of the early afternoon off to help get my kids from A to Z. The first trip started at 3:15 am. The last ended around 1 pm. Between those trips I caught 4 hours of sleep to add to the 2 hours I had had the night before. It was not enough, but its all I’m getting today.
I purchased a Hibiscus at a local Walmart. It used to be the Walmart that I lived near and habitually shopped at. Today, these days, I almost never shop at Walmart.
But this beautiful plant was calling me as soon as I walked in the door. Now it sits on my little porch and is adding a great deal of beauty to my office for the day.
I just learned about an hour ago that Prince died. I loved Prince’s music and have experienced the joy of dancing to his music countless times. He got through life and did so very well. He died to young at 57, but he lived life to its fullest.
I do not mourn his passing. Today, I celebrate his life. As my iphone finishes, I will continue my celebration of life on the water, gliding along the South Fork River. I’ll toast Prince with a Guiness and toast my own past life as well. I’ll toast my ability to feel, to live, to heal, to grow and I will toast my ability to be able to love.
A year ago, I set out on a path to heal and be able to love again. I set out to be a good father and to not disparage my former wife. I chose to detach from a twenty three year relationship with love not anger. I have succeeded. I have stumbled at times here and there. In fact, I stumbled about 24 hours ago twice, once in an argument with my ex-wife and once as I angrily described my confusion about that argument.
I was lucky and received an awesome reminder from someone I love, that helped me refocus and center in on love. I got grounded again and worked to practice forgiveness for myself and for her.
I am a recovering codependent. I did not know I was in recovery until about 36 hours ago. It is a new discovery. For the last year, I thought of myself as either someone that ‘was’ codependent or someone that ‘had been’ codependent. Recovery is a much better description of my status.
This is important. It is important to understand ourselves in our personal life and experiences and also in our life’s work and business and purpose. My happiness and ability to live and function with other people is directly connected in all of these things. Intellectually, I can separate my feelings from my thoughts, actions and responsibilities. However, when I work to align my thoughts, actions, feelings and responsibilities, when I put it all together, I can achieve so much more.
So this evening as the day winds down, and I have already closed my computer from work, I will do some soul communion, some repairs, some rebuilding while on the water, while soaking up rays of sunshine and taking in the beauty of nature around me.
I am still seeking that office for the end of the world, but the world has not ended today. More work can be done tomorrow and much more effectively when I am better aligned from head to toe, from brain through my heart and soul and with all around me.